The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

12/25/16

7:30AM

Authenticity

A

S, how are you feeling? How does two days ago look now that we are two days away from it? More importantly, how does it feel?

S

Oddly—or maybe not—it feels like all that reaction to the Eileen stuff online is mostly my trauma. I mean yes, the therapy trauma but beneath it, my very deep trauma. 

The hardest part I feel with clarity is feeling silenced. Feeling crippled. 

We are…stuck alone without the support of community of any sort. Our work is private. And mostly solo. 

MLG

We have our kayak support: Pete and Teresa.

S

Truth. And even just one kayaker can save your life. 

A

We have told our story. Read This First lays it out. S

S

I agree. But…I suppose…I want things more held together, more complete. A further integration of flow and narrative. 

A

We are getting closer, no? 

 

***

MLG

Flow and Narrative meet one day

In Hawaii while we’re away

S

Yeah. 

MLG

Flow and Narrative can’t hold hands. 

They each belong to different bands. 

S

Maybe. 

MLG

But Flow and Narrative fall in love

One is the hand and one is the glove

They meet up one dark and lonely night

They decide to begin dating on our site.

 

***

S

I guess to be really honest I feel like I want most of it contained in one book—a masterpiece to behold. Something that transforms me and the world. I felt at times so special with Eileen, that the flow was all I needed and the masterpiece was writing itself. 

E

You are a treasure chest…

S

I felt that she was, at times, that audience, the one that understood, that truthfully applauded with genuine awe and appreciation, the one who sees you dancing in the dark, the one who notices the originality and talent, the one you aren’t having to really prove anything to, the one who was as tickled as you were to wake up to all that is…you. 

Oh how this hurts, how this hurts, how this hurts. 

A

This is the nugget, the witnessing that was lost—twice—for us. 

MLG

It hurt so much once

That we went far away

But the second time

Is here to stay

We look online

To see Eileen

What we had briefly

Can be felt, can be seen

 

A

We see what the daughter has been given her whole life; a mother’s witnessing and love. We received a whiff of this, a confusing taste of the same from the same woman. 

Ours was only a whiff. Only a taste. 

But it was enough to ignite a confusing, desperate need and hunger inside.

S

How it hurts. How it hurts. How it hurts. 

MLG
Hurts is the beginning of heals. 

A

We are and have been on the right track, S. Ever since we gained our clarity in July, when were able to rise up from the forest filled with paintings and see ourself, painting and painting and painting…able to see the act of painting—or in our case writing—as a reaching out, a screaming out in desperation to be witnessed. 

We saw that a book was a book…and our life was our life—that the book we have been trying to write for years was more enactment than anything else. 

We were able to breath and take in the massive enactment that is the Sandbox in so many ways. The desperate desire, eight thousand pages of it, to be witnessed. 

This marked a significant beat in our healing. 

S

I agree. 

A

And we still work with it. We examine the enormous triggering from two days ago and we come back to this same beat; witnessing. 

S

It’s actually the same beat I was working with with Teresa; which was her witnessing—or not. It was about her being useless as a witness. About my not needing her as a witness—or a therapist. 

A

So now we understand that the more important piece being played out in our therapy might have been less about the trauma and physical abuse we can now describe—and touch and feel more easily in side of us. 

And more about the role of the surrogate parent—in this case Teresa—what she provides—or doesn’t. 

T

Bingo. 

A

We evaluate her. We criticize her. We analyze what she offers and does not offer. 

S

And when I really need her—like the other day—I see that she makes herself available, has good advise and insight. She is present, paying attention—

MLG
Kayaker. 

S

Yes. 

A

But we long for the witness, the audience clapping their hands as we write like the wind. 

S

Yes. 

A

This is the pain. This is what hurts the most when we go online and see Eileen. We see what we had—for a brief moment—and what we lost. 

S

Yes. 

A

And we are angry. 

S

Yes. 

A

And very, very sad. 

S

Yes. 

A

A few days ago we felt despondent. That we had back slid down our mountain. So much so we wanted to take ourselves out. 

S

Yes. 

A

Today we are clear what hurts. What we miss so much. 

S

Yes. 

A

In healing we fail. And in failing we heal. 

S

Yes. 

A

In her surrogate parenting role Eileen gave us the one thing we desperately needed for our whole life. And it ignited something inside of us very painful and very confusing. 

MLG

We are left as a child

Unwitnessed, unseen

We uncover this pain

When we meet up with Eileen

S

Yes. 

A

It remains painful, S. But no longer confusing. 

S

Yes. 

MLG

She was playing with matches

And set us on fire

Pages and pages

Fueled by desire.

But fire is art

And art can be healing

This is the attitude

I’d like to be feeling

A

The climb we’ve been on

Is steep but it’s steady

We can only get clear

When our heart’s good and ready

 

No matter how hard

How noisy, how reeling

Our path has always

Been one of deep healing

S

I get glimpses of my gifts

I mostly feel curse

But each day I try

To feel better not worse

A

Happy holidays, S. Each day we work and each year we grow much clearer. You need only examine four years worth of Christmases to get a view of this spectacular mountain that is…us.