The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

Coming soon...a book! 

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In early 2013 I began to, what at the time felt like, fall apart. Looking back, I would say that an unconscious journey had begun inside me to heal. The journey was triggered by an obsession, a sudden switch and change in my state of mind that took me to places inside not, for a very long time, well understood. It also sparked the beginning of an enormous amount of writing. 

This book is my story of how I've healed considerably from long standing amnesia, how I found myself in pieces and many thousands of pages. And how I put those pieces and pages eventually together. 

This is not a how-to but rather a journey told from the inside out. It is about the difficult, imperfect but ultimately healing path of the human heart.

The snippet below is a letter written to the “Not Gods “ by “Monkey” that occurs early on in the meditation. It is a letter of gratitude and also a great big breath before I dive in deep. It will be years, this journey, and I will be forever changed by it.

***

Dear Not Gods, 

I smile, imagining Monkey about to perform on stage, the spotlight beaming as he makes his entrance in his pajamas. 

First, I would like to take the time out to thank you for this brain of ours. I truly cannot believe what comes out of it lately. These days it feels as deep as the ocean, as endless as the sky. We don't know where or why this was all hidden from us for so long but Not Gods how grateful we are at last to finally have access. 

I’d also like to thank you for Eileen—for E, a very kind person who visits the Sandbox often, who understands and embraces it like no one else. If it weren’t for E there would be no Sandbox, no me, no letter I’m writing to you right now. She makes things feel official, special, sparkling like no one else. When we think of E reading the Sandbox it makes the world light up like the mansions we drive by during Christmas. 

And then there is Pete. How thankful we are for him. 

Pete is the love of my life, my boyfriend. He is someone I feel like I’ve known since birth, the boy whose hand I would have wanted to hold in kindergarten if only I’d known him back then. Pete is my heart, my rock, my everything. 

I glance over to see Stella digging at her pillow, preparing to nest in it. 

Thank you, Not Gods for our dog Stella who teaches us about the simple things in life like that you love, simply, what is yours.

I take a deep breath, feeling an endlessness and ease.

Thank for for my brother B who tried to protect me when I was little, for the air so cold tonight you can see your breath. Thank you for my body that works really well most of the time, for legs that can still run for miles and miles, for clay that I love to shape, for flowers, for the color pink, for the spaghetti tonight I can’t wait to eat. 

Thank you, Not Gods, for my life.

For my survival.

For helping me find breath when I needed it, for making sure I did not end up in the news, an article written long ago and by this time yellowing and faded in someone’s attic. It would have been about the murder of a young girl suffocated at the hands of her own brother. 

Thank you too for our clever heart which, somehow, along with our brain, learned to bend and swerve and break into approximately one million pieces but, ultimately, all in the name of living another day.  Another day to grow up, to grow away, to grow safe.

Not Gods I thank you for everything, for all of it, but mostly I thank you for what is in front of me which is this exact moment in time. A moment where I am loved so deeply and so well that I cannot help but to feel held as I crawl inside and pick up every piece. Everything that is mine.

Sincerely, 

Monkey

***

7/31/2018: Update: A draft of The Sandbox has been completed! More to follow soon. :) 

9/14/18: Whoever said (did someone say?) that writing is re-writing was right! Anyway, I continue on this road, learning even more as I go. :)

11/2/18: One third through the re-write and dare I say I’m…having fun (nah, couldn’t be.) Stay tuned! :)

12/4/18: Still at it.

2/1/19: You just can’t rush this process but it is going and I’m grateful for that. :) A little sample draft of the first chapter.