The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/4/16

6:33AM

Authenticity

A

S, where has your mind been traveling?

S

I am still considering leaving therapy. I think its time. I do not know what will fill the space but it’s technically not that much actual time—in fact its time I could easily gobble up with the time with work or clay. 

But it’s what kind of room it creates or change it creates inside me that’s more the question. How will I change by leaving that conversation and that dynamic behind. 

A

How does it feel to consider it?

S

Not bad. Curiosity feels dominant to me this morning. But I realize too that this could change. 

A

Yes. 

S

In general though I have a decent handle on my self and my set up inside. I go in waves of doing well…and not. But, isn't that truth of nearly everyone?

A

Yes…and no. 

S

I suppose another way of looking at this question of leaving therapy would be: what were my goals going in—and have I achieved them. 

A

Do you have the paperwork you filled out when you began?

S

I do. Monkey—can you go get it?

 MLG

***

What would you like to do more of? Feeling joy and a sense of self and appreciation of self/journey. 

What would you like to do less of? Feeling huge waves of perplexing grief. I already feel better having left a vexing, painful therapeutic dynamic. 

What would you like to start doing? Wrapping my arms around my experience in and of life and expressing it. I am doing this—and only want to do it more. I love my Sandbox and want to be more open about it..

What would you like to stop doing?   I want to come out of the dark, stop with the denial and withholding of my self from my self.   

What feelings would you most like to experience more often?  Joy.

What feelings would you like to experience less often? Overwhelm in not understanding “self.”

***

A

And?

S

I wouldn’t say I have any more or less joy. I would say that I have much much greater understanding—of what happened to me long ago and how it impacted me. And also what happened in the therapy and how that too impacted me. 

A

Where do you see self in the process—in our process—of healing and living? 

S

I’m sticking my nose out into the daylight. I’ve been trying to do this all along in many different ways. First it was the pouring out of self onto pages—and the allowance and encouragement of this by Eileen. Next was, along with this allowance, the desire to both understand and package it to show the world. The understand piece was quite long; years. It took years of weeding through content to find and analyze the work. And along the way I was always trying to package it. Which means daylight it. I tried to poke my nose out—to be seen. But mostly I’ve not been seen. I failed in putting everything into a book. 

But about a month ago I began to see that maybe it was not my failure in being unable to write a book but my failure in choosing the wrong type of way to display myself. And in choosing a format that is static and would not allow enough room for both the expansiveness, connectivity and continuity of my Sandbox. 

So as I worked with my fairytale metaphor I began to imagine myself a prolific but lonely painter who finally capitulates and rents gallery space in town. I imagine myself curating my work as I begin developing my website. 

This view of my Sandbox, my work, my art, my process in words, various entries and sections as paintings, helped me to envision and execute a presentation of the Sandbox online. 

This work continues to this day. 

A

We are a work in process. 

S

Heck yes. And I hope always to be. I think one thing unique to the Sandbox is that I’m not nor do I ever see myself as some self help do A, B & C to get better kind of person—and I do not intend to present things this way. I want to softly shape sections that fit me versus me trying to fit into sections that feel…unlike me or my work. Sections that feel self-help-y or preachy. I just want to be…me.  

A

Yes. 

S

For example I have and I like a section called: This Is Me Now. Because that’s exactly how and what I feel. 

And although I’m not thrilled with and find the language kind of basic, Bad Therapy seems presently the best and only way to describe the section of my gallery that includes the vein of that story. 

As I work with my fairytale metaphor, as I recognize its helpfulness to me I give it its own section. 

A

We have wanted to put up a section called Process but are delayed?

S

Yes…but I see I kind of just wrote that section above—about the flow and the desire to eventually daylight. It’s flow, understanding, daylighting. The longer I move forward, the more words I put down but then, looking back, the more succinct I can get. To the point where perhaps a whole section isn’t needed. Perhaps just a couple of sentences added to the Read This First area. Flow, understanding, daylighting. 

A

Yes. 

S

And I just thought of a new section I could add called: Leaving Therapy. 

A

How does that feel?

S

Painful. Hard. I can feel the tug and comfort of that mini couch. 

A

It’s okay to give the mini couch its due. 

S

Thanks. 

A

We have no financial pressures—no time pressures. Let’s not impose grief on ourself if we don’t have to?

S

I’d like to leave therapy without an extreme level of grief. Deep sigh. 

A

It could be a goal. And one we could even work on with Teresa. 

S

If I could fill my time with something joyful instead—but still it’s not a matter of the actual time as mentioned at this transcript’s beginning. It’s something else. I see that I need to shift my confidence—shore it up—see myself up and out of that mini couch—or not. I don’t know, A. 

A

For now, let us imagine a new section of our website…Leaving Therapy. And allow this imaginary room in our imaginary gallery. We have yet to create this room but let’s consider how the creating it and filling it makes us feel as we journey forward. 

S

I like this idea. 

MLG

Me too. 

S

Morning Monkey—and thanks for your help. 

MLG

We consider leaving

We can always stay

We ask our heart

To lead the way

S

Thanks Monkey. 

MLG

I want to call the new section Leaving The Mini Couch. 

S

We’ll consider it, Monkey. But other people might not know what that means. 

MLG

It’s not about other people. Our website is shaped around us. Remember?

S

Truth. Okay. It’s under consideration. And we’re not even sure we’re leaving yet. 

MLG

Whatevs.