The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/10/17

6:08AM

Authenticity

A

Tell. 

S

It’s hard to tell when you are confused. 

A

What is confusing you?

S

Therapy. I am completely confused. 

A

Tell.

S

I went in yesterday—read the past few days worth of stuff which is about daylighting, coming out of my Sandbox darkness. 

And also I felt like last week I was given an “assignment” which I “did” but that made either little sense or wasn’t something that really mattered much to me. 

A

What was the assignment?

S

To think back and consider why daylighting has been so painful. I guess? 

So I went back and worked my fairytale again and it became clear that I had little guidance emerging as a child into an artist so…I didn’t.

But so what? 

A

This wasn’t exactly a question you were asking.

S

Right.

A

And answering it didn’t really do a lot for you. 

S

Right.

T

I pointed out your mother’s narcissism which left no room for you to be and to become you. 

Shard

Duh. 

S

So then after that I discussed whether to stay or leave therapy. I mentioned in one of the positives about therapy—staying—that the therapeutic dynamic wasn’t laden with transference which I liked.

T

But I wanted to point out that there was transference. Eileen got to the be the surrogate mom you fell for and me…I went into my usual place of self pity. 

S

Yeah, you did the step-mom dance once again. Which…I don’t quite understand. 

A

So Teresa had you going down the transference path with Eileen being the mom you loved and Teresa and your therapy with her being the mom/place where you stood alone mostly and put up with her. 

S

Yeah and I felt she—once again—mischaracterized my feelings. 

A

She’s both over simplifying things and getting them wrong. In the same way she’s always gotten things wrong. 

S

So I corrected her. Again. I think this has been happening since the beginning of this therapy with her. I remember at some point nearly squaring her shoulders and saying stop it. I remember saying she needs to stop putting herself in this box where I dislike her—it’s so weird. And it just never goes away with her. It’s this insecurity in her that feels mostly like counter-transference and I’ve called her on it repeatedly. 

T

I wanted you to fall into the same deep spell you had with Eileen so that I could reprogram you—you know—work my magic.

But I can never seem  to come up with a transference elixer that you want to drink. 

And I take it very, very personally. More personally than I'm even in touch with myself. 

S

I will never again put quarters in a therapist’s time machine. I would be a fool to do it twice. 

Besides—what else really is there to learn from it?

T

Theoretically a lot. I think. 

S

Well that’s nice but I’ve been through two years of the time machine from hell and another two years in April trying to figure out what that road trip was all about. 

T

Sniff. 

S

I think I either need a break. Or I need to leave. 

T

You’re leaving me?

S

I think I need to begin packing. I need to begin considering a landscape that looks different, one that is clear of therapy for a while. 

A

How does this feel?

S

I envision miles of blank pages that make up a desert. The tone is neutral. 

A

Question marks in the sand? 

S

Yeah. 

A

Imagine the day without therapy in any way shape or form to hold us. 

S

I’m trying…and it’s getting a little easier since I began this exercise a tiny bit about a week ago. 

A

Do not allow Teresa’s guesses and casual homework assignments, dots she’s trying to connect more for her files and not for your heart, lead us astray. 

Follow the tick tick tick of your heart. 

S

Okay. 

A

Tick, tick, tick….what is your heart telling you?

S

That therapy isn’t forever. That my work is to see what my landscape looks like free and clear of it. 

A

We’ve been held in its clutches and in its arms. 

S

Yes. 

A

We consider being held by neither. 

S

Yes. 

T

This isn’t going as I planned. I wanted at least another few years to mold this therapy into what I wanted. I wanted to do A, B & C with you. I wanted to take some credit for this case too. 

I’ve been taking credit deep down in my heart you know. 

When you called me on my counter transference last night and also said that I was throwing stuff out that made no sense and that maybe it was all a smoke screen and distraction because I didn’t want you to leave therapy I became very uncomfortable. 

I gave you the bum rush out of my office when you were not even running over time. 

You felt guilty about making the next client in my Relationship Factory wait but when you opened the door…no one was there. 

No one was waiting. 

You realized then that I was full of shit. That I was rushing you out because I was uncomfortable with the conversation—with you taking the reins. 

I pay lip service to egalitarianism in therapy but I love my throne. 

And any therapist who says otherwise is as full of shit as I am and have been. 

S

Nice, T. 

T

Oh you have no idea the control issues I have. 

S

I think I do. I remember moving to once a week without consulting you. You were….very pissed off. 

T

I’m a control freak beyond anything you can imagine. 

S

I know you are. And you, T, had better get that shit in check. 

T

Gulp. 

MLG

We rise up from the mini couch in more ways than one.

S

I think so, Monkey. 

MLG

We rise up in strength. In what we really think of all this therapy. 

S

It’s helped. But it’s also…well….a real mixed bag. Even the “good” therapy is a mixed bag. 

A

When it’s good it’s good but when it’s not good…

S

It’s therapy. And I have no tolerance for it. I don’t want to spend one more minute working on a therapeutic relationship. 

T

Well congratulations because we don’t really have one. 

S

I called you before Christmas to ask your advice? And you helped me. 

T

I want you to want me in your dreams and between your sheets. I want you to look up into the clouds and see…me. 

I want you to fall into therapy-love with me for years…and years. 

S

Oh fuck you, T. And the whole lot of you freaks. 

A

Teresa’s been put into the “good therapist” box but any box with the word “therapist” in it will always, always be a box…tainted.