The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

4/17/17

6:39AM

Authenticity

A

How goes?

S

Dunno, A. Not sure where I’m going but…I’m going. 

A

Tell. 

S

I make more fish-like creatures. I seem always unable to go back and do what I was doing before when this happens. 

A

Allow, allow, allow. 

S

I also, as I create, choose what to listen to—music, podcasts. I find myself trying the trauma therapist podcast but saying…no. I go for clay subject matter. I don’t want that trauma/therapy stuff anymore. 

A

We are growing out of some things and into others. 

S

I remember a few months ago wondering where the path, the one I find with my heart, would take me. And I see it’s art, it’s color, it’s clay. 

I suppose some people in recovery go onto become “healers” but I am not seeing presently that this my route. I believe I have too many negative feelings about the profession. Even Teresa who is pretty good I sometimes can’t stand. 

I do not think I’ll ever get over the anger/PTSD around therapy completely.  Something minor like a useless session and Teresa just blinking, staring at me, telling me to leave as the time was up but allowing time, on second thought, for me to review my payments drives me bats. 

I was thinking yesterday that if you viewed therapy in some respects as a religion, a place you go weekly to get a dose of…something…wisdom…insight…and you came up empty one week—bad sermon or a non-sermon or nothing that really resonated you’d just say…meh--no big. But if you keep going and you get, more often than not, nothing out of it or too little, especially if the tithing was high, you may consider stopping—or going to another house of Not God. 

A

Yes…

S

It’s not like therapy has been mostly shitty with Teresa but I think I just have really no tolerance for nothing-sessions. So I need to figure out what I’m doing there and if I should even be there. I need to not go this week—maybe take a break for the rest of April and see how I feel. 

A

Not a bad idea. What feels right…what feels good. 

S

I think I want to consider what I’d do if I left.

A

Okay. 

S

I would have a little more time but not all that much as it’s only an hour a week. I think maybe I think I need it—have hope that it helps me to consider things along my path. I don’t know. Or maybe Teresa can’t offer me anything new. But I also wonder if I were to go to someone new what I’d really be asking them for. 

T

Bingo. What are you really needing/wanting from therapy?

S

I don’t know. 

T

This is your work. 

S

Yeah, I agree. 

T

Take time off. It will inform you. 

S

I’m so good at making lemons out of lemonade that I can make shitty sessions work for me. So I have to work against this reflex—I have to work against me seeing that Teresa mailing it in somehow is something “useful.”

A

It’s not. Teresa was argumentative and unprepared last session. Nothing you need to make use of. 

S

Yeah. She’s not always that way but I found her to be so last week. 

T

Not true. I said what I thought which is you are shifting in how you think about therapy. I said Eileen was a tease and so was your mother. I’m working here. Oh—and I told you that we don’t have collaborative relationship. It’s all one way with you. 

S

I think that final comment is the one that just is ridiculous and the one I refuse to speak about anymore. It’s about your insecurity in the role you play. You don’t see it. And honestly, the more you bring up this same argument the more it speaks to me about leaving—about going in circles with this—about you not listening for now what would be likely the tenth time when I tell you how important the therapy has been. 

But maybe this is the moment where I consider that I’ve wrung everything I can out of this dynamic. It’s becoming too repetitive. A little too argumentative. I don’t want to pay for it. 

A

We can always leave and come back if we’d like. It’s been two years. A break or complete termination might be in order. 

S

I think so.

 

4/18/17

7:24AM

Authenticity

A

How goes the meditation?

S

I think I’m truly working on leaving therapy. Going up and down and all around. Feeling through the highs and lows of it all but winding up, I think and hope, in a place of just trying to decide what to do. 

A

How are you leaning?

S

I’m leaning towards ending it. I think not because it’s been bad with Teresa but because I just wonder what else there is to do or what else I’m super compelled to do in therapy. I can’t really tell. Going with my gut on this. But, at a minimum, taking a little break from it—changing things—is I think not a bad idea. 

A

I agree. 

S

B?

B

We are shifting…our work in clay…our work in the Sandbox…our consideration of more therapy…or not. 

S

I feel kinda stuck but kinda not in the clay. I shifted my shapes towards sea creatures the past few days to give myself that room for a different palette, more room for exploration around color and decoration. I really don’t know, honestly, just like therapy, where I’m heading with it all. 

A

We are shifting towards—

MLG

Towards!

A

How does the complaint feel inside?

S

I feel very little around it, actually. Which equates to feeling pretty good. Not 100% but compared to any period of time in the past four years…a thousand percent better. I think there will always be scarring around it—a prickliness that’s become part of my DNA. I’ve seen the dark side of therapy and therapists and it will never be something I will be able un-see but it is becoming something I’m living with much better. 

A

Hard work. Clear lake.

B

Up, up, up, S. And onto my park bench where we take in the view this rainy morning. 

S

What do you see, B?

B

I see exactly what you describe; a view of a city long, long ago we left, one that hurts less but one that remains, still and always, inside our heart. 

S

I feel my weather/memories a lot, B. It comes from the sky—from out of nowhere—and pings me. I know it’s loss—losing things when I was little that I don’t quite remember. 

I fear unprocessed loss will make it hard for me to cope with loss in my life now. 

B

Our work helps. Our work holds. Our work…works. 

S

I hope so. 

B

I know so.

S

What to do?

B

Keep up the daily meditation. Keep listening to the tick tick ticking of a heart that is healing. Keep talking to…us. 

S

Feeling a little lost. 

MLG

Feeling a little lost is the beginning of feeling found.