The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

3/7/17

7:16AM

Authenticity

A

How do things feel this morning?

S

It feels good to be done writing the complaint. Good to have it make me more clearly feel justified about being in the right. The rest seems important but perhaps less so. 

A

Do you feel like writing Eileen a letter?

S

Not today. I wrote one half asleep last night, in the middle of the night, only to abandon it in my mind, to realize it didn’t feel right or good. 

A

We are making progress. 

S

I think so, A.

A

What feels good. What feels right. 

S

Moving forward feels right. Not always good but right. I want to continue hiking up this mountain of mine that has some steep, difficult trails but some beautiful views too. I consider in my heart both the age of my parents and the fear and pain this brings up, but also the decent relationships with family that I have across the board. No burnt bridges. No awful things said to hurt people. 

This process has allowed me to do the internal work I need without, to date, harming others. What happened to me long ago was wrong. But it is not happening now. And my life is good now. 

I also recently seem to be able to separate better the two traumas—one of growing up and one of being in that therapy. They are different, and it is easier now for me to draw a clearer boundary around what was wrong in the therapy—that the treatment was harmful, not helpful, and that I had to recover and repair myself from it. 

My growing up was a complicated, mixed bag. But the lines are harder to draw here. It’s my family. And there is time and forgiveness and acceptance and love in the mix. 

The bad therapy—Eileen—never was family. She teased me into thinking she was more than she was—consciously or not. And it confused and damaged me. 

As I travel these mornings I see better the difference between bad therapy and a painful childhood. 

A

Hard work. Clear lake. 

S

Yes. 

A

What feels good. What feels right. 

S

Moving forward today with my training. With my work. With a larger clay piece if I can get the time. What feels right is to push forward with my life, for each day feels precious and filled to the brim. 

Mid fire freckle clay, sierra gold, cassius clay, porcelain...with purple and neon green underglaze accents to create this little creature girl.