The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

 

1/22/17

6:21AM

Authenticity

A

S, what is on your mind, in your heart?

S

Worried and uncomfortable about the country I live in. It’s the same as it’s always been, on the one hand, and on the other, it is completely different. 

A

What has changed is that more is revealed. 

S

Yeah.

A

We can say the same about self too. 

S

Yeah. 

A

How goes the daylighting?

S

I suppose okay. I’m not sure, A, exactly what this exercise is about? What it gets me?

A

In order to heal we must tell. And we are…telling.

S

So daylighting is another word for telling. 

A

Yes. 

S

It feels instinctual—all of it—no instruction manual except the tick tick tick of the heart. When I’m working in the clay I am listening to podcasts, ones about trauma, about treating it. I am absorbing information. But I have no idea toward what goal; only that I’m interested in it.

Or that, and this scares me more, that there’s nothing else to do with my life really except to sort it out. Like figuring my shit out has become not even a job but an obsession.

A

There are worse things to be obsessed with. 

S

I am not—nor do I want to ever be—a person who is solely absorbed with my own self.

A

This Sandbox allows for the meditation to be framed, a place for it to live, so that the rest of our life can be lived on a different plane. 

S

Isn’t it all supposed to merge? Isn’t integration the holy grail?

A

Healthy boundaries are critical too; a line between our work and us. 

S

So a line is something we choose instinctually—always have. I’ve always captured my work in writing versus living. 

A

Yes.

S

Until I reach a point of pain. Where I need to touch the world and have the world touch me back. 

A

Yes. 

S

And this is what I’m doing now. Figuring out how to both draw a line between my world and my daily life. But also bring myself out a bit more. I am doing this mostly online, where it can be done privately—meaning without impacting the people in my life like my family. 

A

We are being wise and protective. 

S

Can you properly work through anger, for example, without confrontation?

A

It’s done all the time. When people are dead or in other ways made unavailable. S, this entire Sandbox is an example of working through without confrontation. 

S

Is that healthy if confrontation is possible? Does confrontation heal?

A

It’s risky. It could set us back. Or perhaps move us forward. 

S

I tried once talking with my mother; I am confident it would do only harm. And Z— I consider victim too. 

A

So we’ve got our answer. And our direction feels right? To daylight through online vehicles? 

S

I guess so. 

A

How does everything feel? 

S

I feel like I'm living in a new place; very, very different than say a year ago where the most I would consider if I wrote a transcript I wanted to share is that I would send it to Teresa. And before that, Eileen. 

A

Sharing with a therapist no longer works—is no longer enough. 

S

Right. 

A

What is our wish?

S

To be seen. To not leave this world without having been seen. To leave a footprint…somewhere. 

 

1/22/17

6:01AM

Authenticity

 

Anger

I was sprinkling yesterday. Could you taste me?

S

I got mad at a friend; he wasn’t listening to me. And I became aware of it, aware that he’d been this way for a while and I just walked away once it was finally clear to me that he was being a complete asshole. 

He asked me not to walk—and so I told him why I was mad. 

We ended up having an amazing conversation. And at the end he thanked me for getting mad and telling him.

I realized then how scared I am of anger; how far away I stay in my real life. 

How I just basically would rather walk away than deal with it. 

Yesterday was a great example to me of how healthy and healing it can be to in touch with and to express my anger. 

A

Excellent. 

S

My anger was not heard, not received, not contained growing up. Ditto for the bad therapy. 

I just stuffed it all I guess. 

 

Anger

I’m the hardest emotion

In all the land

It will take many years

To see me as friend. 

S

I find anger, when I really confront it, makes me cry. But yesterday’s encounter gives me some hope. 

A

What else?

S

I am feeling a bit directionless. Compelled to daylight but not happily compelled. Deflated might be the right word. 

MLG
We move towards Towards like we always do.

S

Except Towards feels doesn’t feel all that great today, Monkey. 

 

MLG

Some days we’re up.

Some days we’re down.

We are learning to live

With Anger in town.

 

S

I feel like there’s a bad smell in the air—in this country. And I feel helpless to do anything about it. 

A

Allow, allow, allow. 

S

I don’t want to join, don’t want to march. I don’t want to do anything. I do not feel energy. I do not feel compelled. 

A

We have no energy left. The personal mountain we climb—we must climb—requires everything we've got. 

S

Truth. 

A

There is nothing else to be done but what we are and have been doing now for years. And S, it is plenty. 

S

Okay. 

A

Waking up takes time and space. 

S

I listened to a podcast the other day and it was reassuring—how long the road is with this kind of thing, this type of deep healing. 

A

Keep in mind too, we run a business, we are deep into our mediation in clay. We struggle and juggle and mostly succeed.

S

Yeah. 

A

Our path right now, for the next few days…continue to step out into the daylight. See what it brings to mind and heart. Continue to breathe in anger, to hold it for a few seconds, to express it even. 

S

I’m making shakers that frown. It’s a start. 

A

Indeed. 

S

A, it all just kinda doesn’t feel good or right inside me. 

A

Not good and not right is fine.  Just fine. 

 

The simplest shift but it takes a few hundred creatures before I allow one to finally be seen frowning.