Before bed last night, as I was falling asleep, patterns and colors entered my mind—for my fish—but I wonder where they may have been coming from. They felt evocative—one in particular that I can’t remember exactly—something splattered over white, perhaps orange.
I fell off into sleep and into a dream. In the dream I was nearly drowning in piles of glitter…piles and piles of glitter--silver and gold glitter. And then this sound, along with it too, this sound of wind chimes and rain together.
The dream was calling to me to remember, pulling at me, shouting without words, about trauma. I could neither remember specifics nor could not seem to shake myself out of it.
Pete was trying to tell me, in the dream, that it was a dream, but I was unable to pull away. I kept trying but failing until finally, trying with all my might I woke, for real.
After, I lay in bed trying to find the memory that this glitter seemed to be attached to. But I was left with what I’m always left with; the stain but not the substance.
The emotion but not the memory.
I remember years ago, December 2013, as my mind began to light up, seeing this glitter in front of me.
Could you get the glitter work from the archives?
December 2013. SBV1.
Do you remember in Hawaii seeing Christmas stockings at the bike shop? Decorated with glitter. Ouch. Oh that glitter hurt us. Sparkly. Reminded of us something and we are getting punched hard.
I’m not sure I’ll ever connect what is obviously very disconnected and forgotten but it’s “interesting” to see that the brain trying.
Our clay—our fish—are waking us up.
You think so?
I know so. Our craving and exploration of palette is not coming out of thin air.
I just remembered snowy wrapping paper; white, a funny material, sparsely flecked with glitter. I wonder if there is a Christmas season where something very traumatic happened. Weather for so long…and now colors too. They both seem to be working so hard to try and talk to me, to get me to remember.
This morning I feel convinced that healing is about remembering.
I lack confidence in my ever remembering though. Which leads me to conclude that I should lack confidence in my ever healing. But I know that I’m better.
Don’t lose faith. Bit by bit we will remember what we need to along this path of ours.