The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/18/17

5:45AM

Authenticity

Happy Date Of Emergence, Blanket. 

B

Thank you. 

S

I realize last summer that you’ve been with me my whole life but I do not find you in this form, in the type, until January 18, 2014. Happy Three Years.

B

Indeed, it does feel much longer. 

S

I dreamed last night that I was carving into one of my piggy banks the words: I Will Heal. I am determined. Just like I am determined to get this story up and out. It’s like a parastaltic reaction that I, on the one hand, have complete control over and, on the other hand, do not. 

A

Explain the do not?

S

I’m compelled. I can’t stop trying. I woke in the middle of the night realizing that, if I wanted to, it would no longer most likely be impossible to put this all together in book form. 

After failing for years, after finally capitulating and realizing that a book does not offer me the flexibility and space that I need, I see that, if I wanted, now that I can see my story splashed onto a bigger canvas, I could pack it up and put it into a book. 

A

Pack it up…those words sound…off. 

S

They do. Now’s the wrong time to pack anything up. 

MLG

Expand and connect

We’ve got lots of dots.

You can’t click on a book

You can’t add lots and lots.

S

But it’s good to know that a book might not seem so much like an impossibility. But even better to know that it’s not the holy grail either. 

Anger

And how are you doing with me? With Anger?

S

When I feel anger sprinkled here and there it’s mostly towards Eileen. Like the desire to write, “I Will Heal” in a clay piece comes from you, Anger.

I am astounded at the strength and stamina required to heal this. Absolutely blown away by it. 

MLG
The climb is endless

The mountain keeps growing

We think we are done

But then the anger starts flowing.

S

Yeah, it’s mornings like these when I do wonder if we’re even going to summit this mountain. 

MLG

The summit is tricky

It rains and it’s slick,

One day we’re healthy,

One day we’re sick.

But we must keep the faith,

We must climb the climb.

We must be authentic,

We must give it time. 

S

It’s twenty one months away from that mess. That feels like plenty of time. 

MLG

If it just were Eileen

We’d have been done so much sooner

But with two packs to carry

Our summit feels lunar. 

S

Truth. Might as well be the moon. 

A

Breathe. We need not tap away too much. We sit with the healing we have done, the view we have from where we are today. 

B

We are better than we were. Much, much better. And if I can assess a bit, the pain and anger we have around our previous therapy can be seen more clearly for what it was; an incompetent sick woman, half well intended, half evil, who consciously and unconsciously was throwing gasoline onto our remote fires. Whether it was our good fortune or bad, she was carelessly narcissistic just like our mother. 

She coaxes us to unravel. 

And unraveling, S, has not been a bad thing. 

Not that we remain grateful to this woman for anything. 

S

I left thanking her for giving me life. 

B

And that was truth. You created the Sandbox out of the spark that was you and she. Which isn’t to say she really had all that much to do with it. Whomever gave Shakespeare the pen cannot take credit for his work, right? 

S

Yeah. 

B

Parents too cannot take credit for what their child does in the world with their life either. 

S

I feel like I’ve not really done what I think I can do with my life; that I’m only now beginning to find what’s inside of me. Every day feels like a sprint to make up for so much lost time. 

B

Better late than never?

S

For sure. But the urgency, each day, is so exhausting, B. 

B

Up, up, up. Onto my park bench. The sun is far from rising as it is only 6:08AM but together in the darkness let us wait, let us breathe, let us imagine a day that allows us some moments of relaxation and pleasure? 

S

Thanks, B. Do you feel we are healing? Do you feel that we will reach the summit? 

B

I feel the we are healing. And I feel that life is not one mountain and that life is not even one mountain range. Life is a series of mountains. And a banquet too of lakes and oceans to swim in. Perhaps a step off this particular mountain would do us some good? 

S

I can’t, B. I just can’t. I’ve been unable to now for—

MLG
7905 pages, 1492 days and 1.9 million words. 

S

I can’t. I can’t even begin to try. 

MLG

Barely is the beginning of everything. 

B

Stepping away from the climb need not be an abandonment of it. It could be getting a massage one day. A brief rest. 

S

Okay. 

B

It could be a hike in the rain. Lunch with a new friend. 

S

Okay. 

B

Not a stepping away but a tiny break. A nap to regain some strength. And to refresh. 

S

Thanks, B. And A. And Monkey. 

ALL

We are here. We are here. We are here.