The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

6/7/17

6:33AM

Authenticity

It Wasn’t My Fault

 

I added a new mantra, “It Wasn’t My Fault” to the mix. I hope you don’t mind, A. 

A

Of course not. It is helping?

S

Meh. It’s only been a few seconds. 

A

Where did you find it?

S

In therapy yesterday. It seemed to calm my fears that were rearing up. That Eileen’s imagined attorney would tear me apart limb from limb. I was scared about me getting angry at times in the therapy and me then being painted a monster. Teresa said that everyone get pissed in therapy and acts out or at least it’s the place where you’re allowed. 

I think how over-the-top not my anger was but the whole dependency and the writing—thousands of pages—many of them to keep Eileen with me, reading me, by my side. 

A

It wasn’t your fault that this happened.

S

Okay.

A

It has not happened with Teresa as she has handled her self and your therapy professionally. 

S

Right. 

A

Are you feeling less scared and torn up than we’ve felt the past few days?

S

I think so. Teresa really turned my head around when she honored the difficulty of the therapy and the decision but was also clear that the churning was being caused by something deeper that remained unresolved. I spoke about being hated by Eileen if I were to file and Teresa asked if I can remember feeling hated in my past and I instantly felt that I could. I felt hated, as a very young child, by my mother. Respected but hated. Maybe this is a kid’s way of interpreting a parent hitting them or punishing them in other ways. Or maybe it was a combination of the punishment and not seeing much of my mother. I don’t know but my gut seems to easily find myself feeling hated. Which is kind of the more active, close cousin to feeling unloved. Unloved is more passive. Hated is spew being directed your way. 

I talked about how now my guess is Eileen views me as a client she really liked or loved—where things didn’t turn out so great. She likely doesn’t remember how bad things were and I’m 100% positive that she has zero idea how much I suffered in the therapy and after it. 

If I file she will be made aware of what I’ve been through and how I feel about it. And I will move from a client she was fond of that she occasionally thinks about to an opponent she needs to try and stomp out. 

It’s hard to face. 

A

Yes. 

S

B?

B

Good morning, S. 

S

Hey, B. How’s life in Park Bench Park? What is your view like?

B

I don’t see much of Sandbox City anymore. I do not set my gaze in that direction. 

S

Interesting. Why not?

B

Simply because that view no longer really exists for me. It is something that I do not miss anymore. I do not view it with fondness or with sadness either. I have, S, moved on. 

S

Interesting. So…tell me B why I am so torn up about this complaint. Tell me how you feel about it? 

B

Oh S, it is abundantly clear to me that this complaint should be filed. We should not have to remain silent. Our story should not have to remain untold. The only reason to not tell is to protect. And why, pray tell, would we protect the driver of a car who recklessly drove us into a ditch and has had us limping for years? 

S

Because I don’t want this whole thing to haunt me anymore. 

B

We have written now for—

MLG

—8381 pages and 1516 days. 

B

And it has helped. We have seen a good therapist for over two years now. We dabbled in EMDR. It’s time now to move some of the responsibility for the nightmare where it belongs. To Eileen. Let her worry and suffer for a while like we have. S. We have zero to lose in the filing of this complaint. Logically: zero. She has everything to lose—her career, her self respect. She’s being called on the carpet. We are, simply put, a customer who got sick on the food she served us and we’re complaining about it. We are not asking for our money back. We are simply asking a licensing board to look into it. 

If we can find and release the deeper emotions that are tied to this complaint the outcome will be of no consequence. 

S

If the outcome is of no consequence or if that’s the goal than why file to begin with?

B

Because the filing of it likely will prompt us to do the work required to get to a place of working through those deeper emotions. We will use the complaint to help us climb our mountain. 

S

You’re very clear, B. 

B

I am. 

S

How?

B

I stand and sit for never forgetting. Remember, I started out as a neutral Part, a part of you that remained balanced and who tried every day to be as fair as possible. I gave Eileen every chance I could but when she served that notice I knew we were dealing with a person who was deeply troubled and who shouldn’t be practicing. I knew deep down that she was inconsistent and dangerous and unwise. She crossed a line, S, and I could never see her quite the same way again. 

S

It wasn’t the flood then for you? 

B

No. The flood was too confusing really to tell what was going on. Notice to me was clearer. The flood, when it comes down to it, was an accident that she did not mop up well—at all—but it was, S, an accident. Notice was not an accident. And therein lays the difference and the end for me of me trusting Eileen. And the beginning of my disrespect and anger. 

S

You’re super clear. 

B

Yes. This woman deserves the book thrown at her. She deserves every well written page of our complaint slicing away at her performance as a therapist and her self esteem. She deserves to be judged and to be made to feel as sad and insecure and uncomfortable as we’ve felt for years. 

She deserves all the tossing and turning that we’ve been doing. 

All of it. 

S

Thanks, B, for your clarity.

B

Thank you, S, and remember: It Wasn’t My Fault.