The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

 

2/1717

5:50AM

Authenticity

A

And? 

S

It was a little more round about than I thought but during the session with Teresa yesterday, in discussing how leaving and loss has haunted not only this meditation but my life, I realized that the letter drafted to Eileen was a leaving of sorts—another goodbye or another attempt at one. 

And I thought perhaps the better way to work on leaving would be to do it with Teresa in my therapy. 

It feels like the time and place that I work on leaving—and leaving therapy both. 

I’m ready. 

I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. Answered the question I came in with about where I’ve been and who I am. 

And who I love and will spend the rest of my life with. 

It took four years but I’m there. 

I recognized the PTSD from my past—and from the therapy both—but it’s manageable I think and known. I don't need more therapy to treat the therapy I had. And I don’t need more therapy to delve any more into my past. If I want to engage in that manner I’ve got the goods here—a crack team inside me to assist at the ready. 

A

Thank you. 

S

I can see my climb, can see the mountain I’m on now and it’s one that is made joyous through the sharing and helping of another up their climb. I can feel that this is the wind on my back pushing me up. 

And while I’m not sure how exactly—what shape it will all take—I feel this. 

I do not want to teach. And I do not want to become a therapist (Not Gods no)—but I suppose I want to remain true to myself and just share it because whatever process Ive got here…works. 

A

We work. The Sandbox works. 

S

I remember a long, long time ago—trying to remember which voices—but it was December 2013—and I will grab that writing but it was a “stay true” mantra that I wasn’t quite sure to believe in but just ripped out of me. 

MLG

I shall retrieve it. 

S

Thanks Monkey. 

 

***

How long will this meditation go on for?

No one knows how long. You have a lot to sort through. 

What becomes of me?

What becomes of you is not the question. You are always in a process of becoming. 

What would make me happy?

To use your pages to help someone else through, to know that this is not all for nothing, that you could have helped one person feel less lonely or afraid. 

Okay. 

Remain true. Even if truth isn't pretty or poetic or the color you want or the exact sentence or image handed down from the Not Gods. Be true to the garage and what it is whispering to you. Be true to the nine-year-old that is calling out to you now. Be true to the day in front of you.

 

***

 

S

It was a conversation with Monkey and The Children. December 30th. 

A

And we come back around to it. 

S

Things were fiery. Chaotic. I was hanging on for dear life. 

A

But it was truth even so. 

S

Yes. 

A

How does reading this feel?

S

Like I am on the path I need to be on. Like this path of helping is the way to go. And that perhaps I do need to continue to turn at least some of the website into something…else…to…help. 

A

Good thought. It need not be a book necessarily or if it is it need not be the book we wrote long ago that launched the website, It could be something bigger…something…other. 

S

Yes. I have the goods…the content…the momentum…the self not wholly healed but relatively…I’m getting there. 

A

We have the goods. Let’s just allow them each day to show us the way. 

S

I like the sound of that. 

 

***

Remain true. Even if truth isn't pretty or poetic or the color you want or the exact sentence or image handed down from the Not Gods. Be true to the garage and what it is whispering to you. Be true to the nine-year-old that is calling out to you now. Be true to the day in front of you.