The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

(7/10/17)

LATER

I need to try and walk into my ocean and feel my leaving fish. Not try necessarily capture any but I need to recognize one—or two—and pick one for EMDR.

Definitely, right now, I feel a huge block to doing this work.

So I’ll leave it for the morning, let dreams do their thing, maybe I’ll even have some churn.

It’s okay to feel the resistance which, quite honestly, feels good. It allows me to feel…nothing.

But if I do try and give it some thought what makes sense to me is that it’s not really the pain of leaving, it’s the pain of saying goodbye to things that you love; my parents’ bed, feeling so safe there.The pain of leaving safety and comfort.

So it’s not really about leaving but rather it’s about loss for me. Leaving equals loss.

So for therapy…it’s the security of the mini couch, of generally being able to feel safe, heard, understood and also brought to new understanding often times. It’s the loss of those things that create pain.

My brother Bob was someone who protected me. I cannot even access anything other than I knew I would be unable to face his leaving and that loss so I shut down.

I think the pain in leaving Eileen was this pain in believing I was losing my one real advocate, the one person who saw my talents, a person whom I believed was my muse. I was leaving and losing this all because my rational self knew she was harmful.

The loss of a protector, the loss of safety, the loss of comfort, the loss of feeling loved, the loss of being helped, the loss of inspiration, the loss of feeling special.

It’s not the leaving…it’s the loss that it creates.

 

7/12/17

6:17AM

Authenticity

I decided to take the appointment tomorrow and do an EMDR session focusing on this leaving trigger. But I woke this morning feeling like cancelling it, that it’s not work I want to do.

But in my mind I asked Authenticity what to do, before I even got out of bed, and the answer was to continue with my work, and that most days are not easy, and that it would be best to try and approach this topic.

So…I’m here. Continuing this conversation. About leaving.

And I’m still believing that it’s about loss versus leaving.

Loss of safety, loss of comfort, loss of love.

So all I need to think about really, tomorrow, are any of those losses I guess.

A

When you took that big living room breath, what loss did you feel most?

S

The loss of feeling safe and cozy in my parents’ bed. I kicked myself out of it. I seem to never have, since then, felt all that super comfortable in my own bed. I’ve always felt much more comfortable sleeping in someone else’s bed. Like I still, to a degree, sleep in Pete’s bed, live in Pete’s house.

A

And when your brother Bob left?

S

I have no recall. I only know that I chose not to go on the drive to drop him off at college.

A

And when you left Eileen?

S

I felt the loss of someone who seemed to, at times, adore me. I felt the loss of the one person I associated this creative gold mine inside of me with—my muse. I felt the loss of a once in a lifetime connection. I felt the loss of something special that was never acknowledged, that was, because it was never acknowledged or spoken about, likely lopsided and complicated and extremely unclear.

A

The loss with Eileen was complicated and not well understood. It was extremely painful, however.

S

Yes. It was unresolved transference but impure on that front because boundaries were so blurred. So it was hard to say if it was about therapy or about a relationship with another person.

A

It was about leaving something we believed had at least at once offered us safety and encouragement, a place where we believed at one point we were really seen. It was a place where we began to create a massive home in words.

S

Yes.

A

And when we think about leaving the mini couch we think about…

S

I think about having nowhere to go with my thoughts, nowhere to untangle things as they come up, no landing spot, no steady time and place that’s like an emotional center for me. I think that I need to leave for two general reasons: 1. it causes me pain when it reminds me of my previous therapy or things perhaps in my past that are hard or hard to remember but are disturbing, and 2. I feel pressure to wrap it up, to end this dependency because I feel it’s unnatural and that good therapy should end at some point.

A

How does this envisioned leaving feel?

S

It leaves me feeling…without direction.

A

Let’s dive deeper.

S

Okay.

A

We are infusing a lot into an hour once a week in an office.

S

Truth.

A

Have we created without consciousness, a place inside ourself that is home, represented by both a physical space and a day and time of the week?

S

Yes.

A

Have we loaded this place and time with the things that we left long ago? Security? Safety? Feeling heard?

S

Yes. And also it’s a place to have a very specific conversation that I’m not sure I could have with anyone else. It’s a place where some of my deepest emotional veins are paid attention to, followed, perhaps healed or resolved.

A

What would healing or resolution of this attachment we feel now to therapy and the discomfort we feel in leaving it look like—emotionally?

S

I don’t know. I can only feel the pain of its loss to me. I can’t see or feel anything else.

A

Though it took a long time to recognize and to feel the wisdom of our decision to leave Eileen, it was the right decision.

S

Yes.

A

Can you imagine a time when leaving therapy will feel right and good to you?

S

Not really. It always feels to me like it will be something a kin to ripping myself away from something that feels comfortable for really no great reason other than I know I’m not supposed to be in there forever. The Eileen situation was different; I had to leave because it was damaging me.

A

How did you leave Eileen the first round you did with her?

S

I just said I was done with the work I needed to do. It was kicking myself out of the bed. And I never completely left; I did tune ups once or twice a year. And then eventually I went back for the round that ended up damaging me.

A

So perhaps relative to therapy we’ve not found a leaving that works.

S

I’d say that’s right.

A

What are you feeling?

S

Little fish. And oh they do hurt.

A

Do any stay long enough so that you can describe them?

S

They are summer fish. They are fish swimming during the hot summer days. They must be fish that I love, memories I cannot remember, but things that I feel, things that I loved that I left. It is summer. And I feel a school of fish inside of me swimming by. I feel salads and barbecues and my backyard.

And then it is winter now and I can feel things there too.

The basketball net is frozen.

There is snow on the ground.

The sky is grey. How I love nothing more than a grey, snowy day.

A

How do you feel?

S

Like crying. These fish seem to hurt.

A

Are you leaving them behind?

S

I think so. I think so, A.

A

We loved our home but we left it. We miss our home.

S

Yes.

A

This is enough for today. We can stop here.

S

Okay.

A

Allow, allow, allow.

S

Is this enough work for tomorrow’s EMDR.

A

Send along to Teresa. But my guess is that it’s plenty.