The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

5/19/17

6:29AM

Authenticity

Well…I figured out what happened to me. 

A

Yes?

S

I think I’ve been running on fumes which never helps—andI will be changing—but…I looked up causes for low potassium and…licorice poisoning is like one of the five. I had a ton—a pile—of Dutch licorice Monday night, my heart rate was up Tuesday and by Wednesday morning I was feeling nearly paralyzed. 

This is how licorice poisoning works. 

I was having a hard time figuring out why, all of a sudden, after this long doing this kind of workout routine I’d suddenly crash. And I kept saying to Pete and the nurses that it feels as if I’ve been poisoned. 

This makes sense. 

What I can control and learn: don’t run on fumes—get lunch—and breakfast not so late into the morning—fuel better. Relax more. 

Well before the licorice incident I was feeling tired. 

But honestly it feels much better to have figured this all out. 

PHEW. 

Also, Teresa said if exercise helps to put distance between me and what I’m processing, consider different approaches including not putting the distance there. Which is interesting. 

Exercise is great for physical and mental health but it too can become a stressor if it’s just too much—if I am asking too much of exercise. 

I am lucky to have been given this wake-up call. My task now is…to wake up. 

A

Yes. 

S

And last night two pair of my shakers were part of this huge silent auction for the Food Bank. It was, honestly, so much fun to see all the bids. They were one of the most popular items! Towards the end I watched people hovering and bidding back and forth and, by the end, both pair were bid to nearly triple their retail value! I’m…thrilled!

 

5/21/17

6:36AM

Authenticity

No entry yesterday. A freedom I’ve never taken before. Instead I chose to do some volunteer work, writing for someone and something else. 

A

And how did it feel?

S

Fucking great. One thousand five hundred sixteen days, I’m allowed to take a day off here and there. And not just miss the day due to travel. But to realllllly take the day off. 

A

It sounds like you needed a break. 

S

I’ve needed to rest and to re-fuel. I nearly lost my life on Wednesday. I need to come back slowly—and differently. I need to remain rested—and fueled. I need to take better care of myself. There are other ways to get stronger and to feel stronger other than wearing myself down. 

I did a spin class yesterday—hard—but it was too soon. And by the time I walked out, I, well, I wobbled out. I was dizzy, felt like I was crashing again. I got home and ate—quickly. 

I brought shakiness to stability. And nervousness to calm. I ate throughout the entire day—cereal, fruit, cookies, salad. I felt myself full and then hungry again in quick cycles. But I got myself stabilized and by last night I was feeling so fueled and charged up I wanted to go run around the block and do push-ups. 

I could feel the opposite of what I’ve been feeling for so long; which is, put simply, well fed. 

And this morning, I feel, finally, well rested. 

I will run but not as far and without a push. There is no need. There is only a desire now to feel the breeze and the day as I trot along. Nothing else. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

I will enjoy this body that is healthy and strong and that came through for me and continues to come through for me. I will honor it, feed it, make it stronger through sustenance, rest and compassion. 

A

Yes. 

S

I am tabling the complaint—the decision—for a month. I’ve got time. And now I see I can choose. Yes or no. I’m going to sit with the idea of choice.

A

Is filing the complaint sustenance…or the opposite. 

S

Right. What is best for me. What will help me most. Teresa said that without taking one thing away from the cluster that was that therapy, that what I was dealing with was deeper as well. I was—am—declaring that what happened was wrong and I am walking away from it—living my life without it. 

She said this walking away and coming to terms with it takes enormous—enormous—energy. 

I’ve done this physically—in both cases—walked away with my feet. 

The work I do now is to walk away with my heart, with my life moving forward no longer being so deeply steeped in grief and depression over losses. 

As I heal, there will come a day where the decision to file this complaint will no longer be so loaded.

That day, however, is not today.

A

Allow, allow, allow. 

 

One of twenty more new fish from yesterday's firing.

One of twenty more new fish from yesterday's firing.