The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

3/5/17

6:30AM

Authenticity

Yesterday I began to get overcome by sadness around the death of my parents—a shadow that seems to be looming with more presence. Dad has decided to stop traveling. And it’s the end of an era. 

I can’t help but have to feel grief well up inside me.

After swimming on Friday someone in the hot tub was talking about their father and I got really sad. 

Last night I began researching grief around the death of parents. 

And I wonder, Not Gods, how will I be with it all. 

A

You will be always who you are and you will change too. 

S

Will this meditation I hold, hold me up. Or will I abandon it. I don’t know what will happen to this landscape inside me. 

B

I will help. 

S

I feel my father in you, B. I hope having you in my heart helps. 

B

It will. It will be okay. We are here. We are here. We are here.

S

Why do I feel this all now so much more? So acutely?

B

Our work brings us to feeling more in general. What we are feeling is normal. 

S

I’m scared. 

B

Up, up, up. 

S

What do we see this morning in Park Bench Park?

B

Whatever you wish to see. Whatever feels right. Whatever feels good. 

S

Is the complaint a distraction from bigger things? Harder things? 

B

Not necessarily. It is work to be done that we’re doing. And when that work is done, there will be different work, a different landscape to explore.

S

Is it always hard? It feels mostly hard. 

B

Life is hard—and life is grand too—if you live it with an open heart. 

S

Hard this morning, B. 

B

What feels good. What feels right. 

S

My clay. All the speckles these days that I love. The refusal to make everyone happy. And the refusal to make anyone mean. The learning each time how subtle an exercise this is…the smallest curve of the mouth, where lid meets pupil, how lids bend symmetrically—or not—how complicated, how beautiful, how engaging, how it feels mostly like what I want to do with myself. 

B

Then focus there for now. 

Porcelaine, mid fire freckle clay bodies. Watered down neon blue eyes. Something about the earth tones in my palette these days. Something about figuring out where color can work. Mid fire allows for strength, clarity and brightness. Mid fire allows for the most integration. 

Porcelaine, mid fire freckle clay bodies. Watered down neon blue eyes. Something about the earth tones in my palette these days. Something about figuring out where color can work. Mid fire allows for strength, clarity and brightness. Mid fire allows for the most integration.