The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

12/30/16

6:58AM

Authenticity

I am not sure what is going on these days. The only thing I know is to keep it moving forward, keep listening,  keep looking up at that mantra. 

A

Yes. 

S

I thought last night as I looked at my own website that perhaps this exercise of putting self up online is also about…reflection. 

Seeing self reflected back perhaps with more clarity. 

It is one thing to write onto a page, another to put that page up in a place within some kind of relative context. 

And still another to consider that someone else, a stranger, might read it. 

It forces reflection, I believe. 

A

And what do you see? And feel?

S

I’m ashamed, A. I want to see a different reflection. I want to see the reflection of someone healthy who doesn’t care anymore about how a therapist damaged me. 

A

Of course. But that’s clearly not reality. 

S

Last night, for maybe one or two seconds, I had this vision/feeling inside that she was just…nothing. Like a stranger, or someone I would meet and not think a lot of. But it lasted, like I said, only a second or two. 

Why, A? What’s going on with me? 

A

Breathe. 

S

I wonder if it just takes…more time. 

A

Pain is our truth. Pain is what we see when we look in the mirror. We are not yet done, S.

S

Is this what I learn this morning; that in order to heal I must confront her? Is there something to be said for a confrontation? That no matter how she reacts that it could help me to move on? 

A

The only thing we can do now is try that on for size inside of us. How does it feel to email her and ask to see her? 

S

Not good. 

A

Why no?

S

It keeps things private, me swallowing, burying the abuse still. All I’ll get from her is a foggy memory and a big dose of denial. 

A

Okay. 

S

I want to come out with it. Publicly. Somewhere. Somehow. But I never feel quite ready.

A

We feel that in order to be free of this woman, this pain, we need to own and hold something…something we feel deeply proud of, an accomplishment that has grown out of this pain. 

S

Yes. 

A

This, we feel, could be a book. Or a website. Or a process. Something…some sort of achievement for the pain. 

S

Yes. 

A

And when we feel we have nothing to show for the pain we hurt deeply. 

S

Yes. 

A

Today is just one day. A day we acknowledge how much this hurts. To sit with nothing in our hands that we feel, today, is very tangible. It is a day of low to no confidence. A day where we honor that it hurts to be abused and have nothing to show for it. A day where we can see now why it hurts so much to see the daughter of our abuser go onto make a living out of publicizing her assaults. 

It is a wrenching irony hard to hold. 

S

Yes. 

A

We sit with this truth. And we, S, reflect.