The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

7/9/17

6:25AM

Authenticity

Stay positive. Stay focused on what you want to achieve…not so much on getting bogged down in all the bad feelings the session last Thursday brought up. 

A

What feels good…what feels right. 

S

I woke this morning considering that I should draft a letter to one of my heroes, an illustrator who’s made her way in the world mostly through cookbooks. She’s talented, funny, busy. I’ve wanted to work towards something like she has except where I’m doing contracts with some restaurants.

Also…I ordered merch for the first time. A tank top with a creature featured. 

It made me happy to think that I could use my creatures as models for merchandise versus having to sell them all. 

I suppose once I create and photograph them they are mine in a sense to use. 

Anyway…a completely new direction to explore…possibly…worst case I have myself a tank top to wear at the pop up sale in a few weeks. 

A

What else. 

S

I’d done a good deal of sorting creatures the week before last. I was able to cut through the noise and decide that anything not from this year was not sellable. I put everything in storage. A few things I threw out. A few things I put outside as give-aways. 

This left me with a few boxes that were labeled sellable. 

I took everything out yesterday, paired nearly all of it up and decided I was pleased. The selection was large, well done, colorful, fun, up to date, representative. 

I thought…I have plenty of sellable inventory for events and I will be making more too. 

I thought…I can see where I may need to fill in some spaces and I can easily make pieces to do that. 

I liked my palettes, all the clays I’ve chosen and also the fish, how they add another element, such a enormous pop of color and pattern. 

A

Our writing? 

S

I hit a bit stop sign on Thursday. But an argument with Teresa can’t stop this train. The argument served to tell me that I’m not in a happily-ever-after state or even a resolved state completely with my therapy. If I can get that ticked off at Teresa, there’s something inside of me seeking some answers. 

A

What do you feel you need and want to do?

S

I think I need to discuss with Teresa what that was about for me and I need to express my true fears about this complaint and how it’s going to work and her role in it all. I didn’t really feel my fears until I had reason to—until I got mad at Teresa which made me worried that she would throw me under the bus. 

A

On the one hand, it’s a valid question. On the other, where is our confidence in our personhood, in our healing? Eileen will throw whatever she can up against the wall for she will be on the defense.

Teresa…has helped us. But…

S

…but…

A

But there’s something there unresolved. 

S

Dunno. Do I not fully trust her? Is it the way she defends herself? 

A

We do not know. 

S

I think it’s perhaps not feeling so heard or followed. I am triggered when I feel that I’ve been had—that she’s really been a lot less connected to my work than I’ve thought. I feel like she’s been faking it. 

I wonder if this is something that always happens in therapy—and that is triggering to those sensitized around attachment which is most people. 

Then again, you see someone weekly for over two years, you talk to them about something for months, you expect they can remember. 

A

We feel pathologizedfor her mistake. 

S

Yeah. I don’t like that whole business in therapy—that game of turning that stuff onto the client. I get it—they are just trying to take any material and make it productive for you but—it ends up making you feel a bit crazy. 

A

We were made to feel crazy for two years—to the point of truly questioning our sanity—to the point where we had to wake ourselves up and get out of that burning building. We will not have anyone—therapist or not—ever do this to us again. 

S

I’ve begun to try on this new emotional clothing I’m calling the Who The Fuck Cares line. It’s not about some therapist and what she thinks of me. Truly, this process of mine is much larger than her office. 

But I can’t deny, however, that there is something still not fully articulated that I do need from her. 

A happy ending?

S

I don’t know, A. Maybe. I remember thinking I somehow needed that from Eileen. And I got it at the time—the “open door, open heart” thing. But that happy ending wasn’t happy. And though it took two years, the most healing thing I could think to eventually do was to close that door and my heart to Eileen.

A

What do we need…what would you guess?

S

I suppose a frank conversation—the courage to ask and to hear what she has to say. The courage to ask what she would say to the Board. The courage to see what’s in her files. I am scared she’s been secretively scribbling awful things about me. It seems irrational—coming from a place of huge mistrust which doesn’t feel justified or rational but it lives inside me like an infection still brewing. 

A

We need to discuss this…we need to try and clear this infection out like we’ve done with so many of our other wounds. 

S

I agree. And I think, A, I want to be done with all of it. I feel I've wrung everything I can out of therapy and that I need and want to be clear of it. I see that I can't tolerate the dynamic anymore, that perhaps the final gains I make will be to inform me that I no longer want gains to be made this way in my life. 

A

Yes. 

 

Just some creatures...hanging out. 

Just some creatures...hanging out.