I was in the pool by 7AM yesterday and by last night I was ready to go to bed by 9. Slept in and needed it.
Giving that to myself.
Remind myself that Blanket was encouraging rest yesterday.
But I was awake on and off…the churn this time being a simple thought: in order to heal you must find your story (flow.) In order to heal you must tell your story (understand.)
And…I guess now in order to heal further you must daylight it.
I refuse to back down from the effort in daylighting but I can see my moods somewhat correlating with the activity in the logs.
Visitors…and my spirits are up. None and I’m back down—back to this place of lurking in the shadows, considering looking up Eileen again online.
Why that, I wonder.
Why go back to that cluster when I’m feeling down—the exact thing that will only pull me down further.
It validates the depression and gloom. Gloom on top of gloom.
It’s the right gloomy furniture for our house inside.
Well if I’m happy, if I feel I’m accomplishing what I need to, what’s the furniture then that I seek?
That’s an interesting question. Only one you can answer.
Maybe clay information…what goes with what. How to make clay appear sidewalk grey. How to get speckling in porcelain. How to combine two opposite clays together. I get curious about clay…excited…my mind and heart inflate. I am in a world and whirl of imagination and possibility.
Is there a way to go to clay thoughts instead of things that bring us down?
I try but it is kind of like furniture. When I’m feeling down…I reflexively go to that crap around Eileen. Intellectually, truly, I feel that I should be 100% done. That I’m hanging on out of habit more than anything else.
She’s our bad mood couch
Inside our heart.
When we feel shitty
We can’t think of our art.
We think of her only,
How she got away
With her stabs so deep
We hurt through today.
It still hurts because of what it represented—what you can’t remember—what caused the dissociation and the amnesia. I am not trying to suggest she gets let off the hook—I am only saying that I think this is why the pain remains.
Yeah. I get it. I mean I don’t forget yesterday’s transcript. The hatred I hold for my mother. It’s not 100% hatred but it’s hatred and anger that lives inside me. It feels so odd, so awkward to step into that time machine and go there. But I suppose it needs to happen to get me to that next lily pad in the healing pond.
So T, how exactly does it work? Do I get mad about some severe trauma from long ago like twice weekly?
The other thing too: I’m not sure exactly what “healed” means.
The Healing Pond feels like an Infinity Pond.
Yeah. Like I feel like I’m much better. But where I am headed to? How do I know I’ve reached some destination?
When the Eileen stuff stops haunting you. And remember, it’s not just Eileen—it’s all the trauma she stirred up on top of the trauma she caused.
Okay. At least now I can feel with more clarity the trauma she stirred up. Versus being completely chaotic and blind to everything. I have a so much more clarity around the therapy and the past that came before it.
That’s huge progress. And done in twenty one months.
Remember what Teresa said.
T says we are eighteen therapists at once inside this Sandbox.
And we work daily to heal this heart.