The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

4/27/17

6:12AM

Authenticity

I need to look back over the past week or two and figure out where I’ve been these days and be prepared for therapy this afternoon. 

A

Go. 

S

My meditation and life are filled with a variety of things…

The Sandbox—the daylighting of it—the showing of it—why? What feels good—what feels right? 

It’s not awful. It’s sad and weird. But it’s not awful.

The Grief. Every day I feel memory poking at me. Not every hour but many times during the day I can feel the most random things calling out to me to remember. Weather, as always, but lately it feels like it could be a sound or smell or just nothing at all. My glitter dream was very intense. 

And just allowing myself to think about glitter takes me places. 

I am a gun cocked, loaded with memories I can’t remember, never able to really fire. 

I live in a grief state or some version of it all the time but I can’t seem remember what it’s about exactly. But my big fish gives me the context. 

It’s not awful. It’s sad and weird. But it’s not awful. 

Therapy.  I struggle with it. At times it’s good and fine. At times it’s not great. It’s not a huge problem like it was with Eileen. But I struggle with staying or leaving. And I get tired of the struggle. On the one hand, it’s been very helpful to be in this therapy in general. On the other, I am triggered big time when I feel Teresa is mailing it in and I am just not getting help. I’ve deeply been struggling and trying to figure out why I’m so dead set on daylighting the Sandbox and Teresa just stares at me with…nothing. No help. She bitches that I don’t let her in but when I ask for help…nothing…nothing except why don’t you let me in? 

Arrgh. 

Sessions become useless—repetitive—argumentative—triggering me back to Eileen—paying to be harmed. 

Am I done with this therapy with Teresa? Is this a sign? Have I somehow hit her limits? Is her attention span fading?  Do I need someone fresh or no one at all? 

Am I done? Or not? 

It’s not awful. It’s sad and weird. But it’s not awful.

The Complaint. It is April 27th and Eileen’s license expires on April 30th. I don’t think she’s renewing so I don’t think I have anywhere to go. All dressed up and nowhere to go. Maybe. This complaint is not at the forefront of my meditation—nothing seems to be—but it’s one of the balls I juggle here. I wonder if I should confront her—what I should do if anything. 

I was watching something on television—an old boyfriend was still processing and making art about his relationship with the protagonist and she was two months pregnant—her mind and heart and life well moved on from him. It resonated. Me—still—trying to make sense and art of out of what is likely very stale material for Eileen (not that that matters) but kind of stale material for me. 

But there are moments when it’s not stale—when it hurts—when I see how long it’s taken to gain some clarity. And should I do something with this—or not? 

Anyway…there’s this piece and figuring out what to do with it. 

It’s not awful. It’s sad and weird. But it’s not awful.

The Clay.  I feel compelled but unclear as to where I’m headed…and why. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I am awash in colors and allowance. There is part of me too that wishes to break free of a certain style—that along with all the color now a monotone cries out inside of me too. I feel all sorts of pulls—the vibrant color schemes and patters of tropical fish—a dry black and white landscape filled mostly with bone white porcelain and pops of clear glaze. I am drawn to both, torn by both too. 

It’s not awful. It’s sad and weird. But it’s not awful.

***

I am swirling…confused…engaged…disheartened…scared…alone…unable to share all of it with anyone really except cyberspace. 

A

S, this is good list of what swims inside. 

S

Something calling out to me..black and white…pops only of clear—dulled out…maybe a pop of color. No whimsy..? Cups…or creatures…?

A

Allow, allow, allow. Pull out the porcelain today and…go. 

S

Cups…porcelain…and…freckle…slight pops of color…texture…

A

Allow…allow…allow…

S

Ilmenite…

A

Allow…allow…allow. We gather up our tools and skills and talents…and we keep gathering.