I shut down the social media feed. Instead have been listening to podcasts and reading articles about the effects of social media on people and why people do just what I did.
I also did some research, not sure what triggered it, into burnout.
And I realized that perhaps it’s not burnout exactly but the loneliness around everything I do: the Sandbox, the clay, my business.
Plus, the friends I have around me…make me feel lonely too.
So while I can and I do and I have done a deep dive psychologically around this loneliness, I also am beginning to see how my life, how I’ve constructed it, makes me lonely along with it all.
Yesterday after getting back from running which was slow as my back was sore I sat in the living room and I stretched for a long while. It occurred to me that I’d put down the “masterpiece”—the book I’d been trying to write--and that it felt just like someone who decides to put down the glass and stop drinking.
The writing or how I’ve been using this book, this quest, has been a form for me of escape. By deciding to join a writing group I put the craft in another place and allowed it to rest in a different place in my mind.
I decided to have it stop dominating my life, my thoughts, my sense of self.
In some ways, like filing the complaint, putting down the masterpiece allows me to see how much room it’s been taking up. And how it has been stopping me from feeling and finding things in my life that need addressing.
I’ve been hiding inside of it without realizing it.
Again, it’s the same thing; as I quiet things down I can see and feel more.
It doesn’t feel good. But it does feel right.
I need to acknowledge, to feel, to see my loneliness, how I’ve created it. I then need to try and find ways to make changes. Changes that move me away from feeling so sad.
I do not have solutions. But I am beginning to better identify the problem.