The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

7/25/17

7:11AM

Authenticity

Yesterday devolved and by the time Pete arrived back from poker last night I was sitting in front of my laptop, in the dark, triggered and weeping. Not really knowing what was up. Just knowing things did not—do not—feel right. 

My back felt strained, my neck too. 

Pete gave my back a rub, we ate a frozen pizza together and I went to bed. 

I still don’t know what’s going on except to say that I feel lost. 

Directionless. 

I don’t know what I’m doing in clay right now. My business is hanging on but I looked, finally, and had to admit that the past two years I’ve been making a lot less money. 

Which is okay but I need to just know this. 

To know it like you collect data points along the way so that you can chart your course—even if they don’t seem to matter all that much. You need to know the basics of your life. 

The thought that I suffer from some kind of garden variety depression crossed my mind again; moods that come and go without attachment to events or situations. 

I also wondered if my moods do attach but to things I can’t quite grasp onto. 

I am not comfortable living in the city we live in anymore. It has changed before our eyes in the past few years. Prices and population have surged. It’s so crowded and in new and unexpected ways each day. 

There are lines everywhere and parking nowhere. 

And I find myself very deeply saddened for the loss of hope. And dreams.

I think sitting in that hot sun on Saturday, giving away for free as much as I sold, I lost something I didn’t realize that I previously had. 

And that was hope. 

Hope that my work would go somewhere, that I would get some recognition. That I would feel good and important and alive—that what I was doing had meaning. 

But I walked away with a sunburn and feeling the opposite. 

The only thing fueling me now is just throwing things away. That’s my main focus. 

Yesterday I filled my car up with boxes of books I’d either never read or read long ago, a huge bag of old sneakers and an assortment of other things that needed to go. 

Afterwards, I deposited a bunch of checks from a neighborhood gardening effort that I’d been coordinating for seven years. I was handing it off to another neighbor. 

I feel as if I’m moving—moving on—but I’ve got no real plans. Other than to leave. 

A

In order to move anywhere we must lighten our load.

S

It is an odd place to be.

A

Perhaps we need to explore a different way, a new way. 

S

I don’t know why or where I’m going. 

MLG

We move towards Towards. 

A

Growth requires a level of discomfort. 

S

What growth? Growth towards what?

MLG

Day by day

It’s hard to see

But months from now

We’ll be free

S

When I think of my life now, I feel constrained and hot. I feel my city which feels crowded, unshaded, noisy, dirty. I am not feeling at peace—inside or out. I can’t seem to ground myself. I feel so sad. Like yesterday, walking to the pool, feeling such enormous grief inside. I feel it now, leaking out as I think about it. 

When will it stop? 

A

When it attaches clearly to where it belongs.

S

I wept last night watching this movie. There we emotional reminders of my past. I felt so triggered around the loss of so much of my life, where I’ve been, how asleep, how messed up I’ve been. 

A

We have landed in the safest of beds. With the kindest of partners. 

S

I agree. 

A

Which allows us our healing. 

S

I don’t want to scare Pete away—or burn him out. I try to be productive and positive and strong. I want to feel clarity and direction but I just don’t right now. 

I keep making my creatures. I listen to podcasts as I do. But there is a melancholy that’s taken over. I’ve lost hope that I’ll ever get anywhere—that they’ll ever get anywhere. 

A

What feels right? What feels good? 

S

I don’t know, A. 

B

S, up, up, up and onto my park bench. 

S

B, hey. Sorry. I’m such a mess these days. 

B

It is human to be messy. Please now come on up and together we will sit and look at our city. 

S

What do you see, B?

B

I see a person who has traveled many, many hard and steep miles these past years. I see someone who has and continues to erupt and who, perhaps, needs to respect her heart which says change is afoot. 

S

What kind of change? And why do I hurt inside so much? Why am I crying in the mornings and at night too? Why am I feeling so untethered? Why am I feeling so much grief? 

B

We excised a bad tumor approximately six weeks ago. This allows us to feel feelings we’ve not had access to for a long while. This hard work requires energy. 

S

What’s going on?

B

Our heart is ticking its way back to health, healing and providing the direction we need to take. 

S

I feel directionless. 

B

I argue that this is not the case. Our direction is clear: we must lighten our load. We removed that large tumor that was in our way in June. We now go deeper. 

S

My creatures are very sweet. They don’t deserve me deserting them. But I feel like I’ve lost hope, B. 

B

Hope is lost and gained in a literal blink of an eye. And if you look back you will see this loss and gain in our work. Do not fear; we will regain hope in our work once again. But in order to heal, to be authentic, we need to acknowledge that hope is like an ocean tide. 

S

How do you feel—about the complaint—about Eileen

B

That tumor has been removed. It has been my role to help see that this surgery took place. 

S

And your role now?

B

Exactly what we are doing today; to dialogue and to help us to understand what hurts and why. 

S

Can you help me feel better, help me feel more hope?

B

If that’s what is required, that is what I’ll do. 

S

How do I start?

B

Allowance. Do not resist the overall theme which is to feel and to let go. 

S

Okay. 

B

And remember the Yamada Masaaki quote: “Change should not be rushed, because things will end with merely the expectation of change.” 

Two of my favorites from last week's kiln.  I promise to not abandon you guys even though I'm in a low spot right now. 

Two of my favorites from last week's kiln.  I promise to not abandon you guys even though I'm in a low spot right now.