The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

6/2/17

5:49AM

Authenticity

A

How was therapy?

S

Okay. 

A

Anything learned? Anything to chew on?

S

I read the past few days worth of transcripts, and we talked about the complaint—how I’d made the decision to file it. It will become part of my narrative but I see it only as a step along the way, in no way a destination. 

MLG
Declaration is a-okay. 

Destination is further away. 

S

She also said that filing it is a move away from dissociation, a claiming that what happened was real. 

A

Yes. 

S

I said I was scared. And I am. But I’m not sure what of. 

MLG

Admitting we’re scared is the beginning of not being as scared. 

A

How does it feel to be working on “Shinkansen” again?

S

It’s good to have my head a little back in that game but as I was getting ready to come to the transcript this morning I realized that I am hamstrung by this story because I’m still so in the middle of it. And maybe with healing you always are. 

But if I can’t pick a spot from which to end and tell then my story, in linear fashion, it never gets told. 

A

We are not the first person to have this problem. There are thousands of ending points. Presently, we pick something close to now.

S

I don’t want this story ending with me filing a complaint, the story of my therapy, once again, overshadowing my bigger story. 

A

Yes and no…it’s intertwined and we should not feel shame. Walking away from our dissociation, declaring that what happened to us was real, is powerful and healing—and very hard.  

How we handle coming into the light about our bad therapy is one thing. 

And how we do so with our family is another. 

S

Right. I won’t be filing a complaint against my family. It’s not possible nor if it were would I. 

A

Are you sure about that?

S

Not really. I guess I’m just glad that the possibility doesn't exist so I wouldn’t have to be tortured by it like I have been by the complaint. 

A

Perhaps “Shinkansen” is the form our complaint takes? And this, like filing our complaint, is taking time. 

S

Truth. It’s far from a casual piece of writing. Finding the truth, unscrambling it and facing it, owning it, swallowing it, all if it is taking time. 

A

We are not hamstrung and disabled. We are simply not ready. But in the trying each day we travel. 

MLG

Practice makes perfect.

We need to keep trying.

We will write our book

Long before dying.

S

At least Monkey is optimistic.

MLG

Grin.

S

I have my meeting today with the woman who filed a complaint. 

A

What questions do we have?

S

I’m wondering if she filed a complaint and lawsuit. If she was asking for damages. If she used a lawyer and her lawyer’s name if she did use one. What the nature of her complaint was. If she was questioned, etc. And any advise she might have for me.

A

Excellent. 

S

I am dabbling now with the introductory letter and also the body of the complaint. 

A

Yes. 

S

I breathe now and try to envision the weeks ahead after I’ve hit the send button. How will I feel? 

A

And?

S

I feel nervous thinking about it. Nervous about hitting send. Nervous to connect this massive world in words—this world that has felt like both prison and protective fortress—nervous to have this world truly touch the outside world. 

This is the first time it will be happening. 

It feels distasteful and uncomfortable and scary. 

But I know this is part of my narrative—to do this work and to not turn away. 

A

Yes. 

S

Teresa said what I had was a gift. 

A

Believe her. 

S

Like Eliza Hamilton, I’ve been given more time—and I’ll work towards making the most of it. 

A

Who lives, who dies, who tells our story. 

S

I need to tell my story. There is no one else who can or will. And the world, I see, owes you nothing. 

MLG

It’s taking time. 

But we don’t give up. 

Just by trying

We fill our cup.