The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

Should I File

This is a series of entries from early April to mid June of 2017. They are me, in process, mostly around the consideration of filing a complaint about Eileen. Other things swim in and out as I move towards this decision as well; fish large and small--memories I am able to capture and hold much more so than earlier in my meditation. 

I work in clay and continue mostly to shape fish; fish give me room to explore palette, foreground and background. 

***

 

4/8/17

Tiny fish, crumbs along the way, scraps and bits and pieces here and there I have been desperately cobbling things together to form a story of what happened to me. 

This is how, to date, it’s been. 

But then there’s a moment last night where, for the first time, I encounter not a crumb, but a boulder.  

Not a tiny silver fish but a great white whale. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

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4/9/17

S

The writing I do now, the writing that I find inside me, especially the writing a few years ago, sprung up from a well of confusion and pain and bad therapy that confused and pained me further. 

A

And now?

S

The writing is still there but it’s different. 

A

Less confusion. 

S

Yes. 

A

Any less pain? 

S

Probably. I think, A, that confusion is pain. 

(To read the entire entry click here.

***

4/11/17

S

So Book, are you more than just a book—are you even a book?

Book

I’m likely both. The goal here is to try and relax into the exercise that is me. Know that I can be both; process and product. And do not be devastated when I keep slipping away. You will catch me sometimes…and other times not. 

S

Hard, Book. 

Book

Hard but worth it. In chasing me you chase truths. You may never write me but in the meantime as you try you just might be creating a masterpiece. 

(To read the entire entry click here.)

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4/16/17

S

I did two unusual things or things that seem to indicate shifting to me. 

A

Yes?

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

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4/17/17

I was thinking yesterday that if you viewed therapy in some respects as a religion, a place you go weekly to get a dose of…something…wisdom…insight…and you came up empty one week—bad sermon or a non-sermon or nothing that really resonated you’d just say…meh--no big. But if you keep going and you get, more often than not, nothing out of it or too little, especially if the tithing was high, you may consider stopping—or going to another house of Not God. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

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4/21/17

Went all PTSD on myself yesterday. Need not get into details other than to say that I just flipped out inside over a pretty simple email from Teresa. The only positive is that it did not take long to see it was PTSD—but knowing that did not pull me out of the vortex.

A

What helped?

(To read the entire entry click here.

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4/22/17

Is this only about healing or is there more? Is it just growth—as an artist or human being in general? Does everything here need to be in the context of healing? 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

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4/25/17

I fell off into sleep and into a dream. In the dream I was nearly drowning in piles of glitter…piles and piles of glitter silver and gold glitter. And then this sound, along with it too, this sound of wind chimes and rain together. 

The dream was calling to me to remember, pulling at me, shouting without words, about trauma. I could neither remember specifics nor could I wake from it. 

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

4/27/17

I need to look back over the past week or two and figure out where I’ve been these days and be prepared for therapy this afternoon. 

A

Go. 

S

My meditation and life are filled with a variety of things…

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

4/29/17

MLG

Hope is red. Hope is blue. 

Hope is black, pink, white and purple and yellow too. 

Hope is the air that we breathe in each day.

Hope is the mountain where we hike and we play.

(To read the entire entry click here.

***

5/5/17

I begin a document I call Fishies. And it hurts nearly instantly. The first few memory fish that come in are mostly about, not surprisingly, color and I am taken eventually to a pair of blue eyes on a dirty face, a little boy named...Scotty.

I am calm now, or calmer than I was a few years ago. 

And I see that now may be the time to catch and keep a fish or two. 

But oh how uncomfortable these fish make me. I don't really know what to do with them. 

A

Allow, allow, allow. 

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

5/7/17

6:53AM

Authenticity

S

I am on an inner tube with her in the pool. My time with her is brief. 

MLG

We played with our mom. 

This we cannot forget. 

We catch this fish. 

With tears in our net. 

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

5/9/17

Well. 

I was doing my usual check, something I thought I might even soon be able to stop. 

A

Check?

S

To see if Eileen was going to renew her license. She was up for renewal April 30th. Around May 2nd or 3rd the account became delinquent. I figured she was going to let her license lapse and there was some comfort in that; one, I didn’t have to make a decision about filing the complaint and two, she wasn’t harming anyone else if she wasn’t practicing (assuming she wouldn’t practice with a lapsed license.)

A

Okay. 

S

But I checked last night and it says her renewal is now pending. The language: 

Renewal Pending - Renewal fees may have been paid; however, the licensee has not complied with all the renewal requirements or the renewal may be delayed pending verification/completion of name or address changes.

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

5/13/17

I dreamed I was heading off into the night on a train. I hugged my mother goodbye and then, unlike any other time before, I could not let go. I am not sure what happened next exactly. I only know that I woke to this moment here and a questioning deep down if this is a sign that I’m remembering something big. 

Or not. 

I lay in bed wanting to be done with the complaint. And I consider now if being done is best achieved by sending…or not. 

How best to let go—finally—and move on. 

I don’t know. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

5/17/17

I basically have mixed feelings about giving myself away for free—not to mention actually paying for it. Reminds of my therapy with Eileen—paying to entertain her. 

Which reminds me…need to check the licensing board’s system…need to see if she’s officially renewed her license.

LATER

It’s renewed…and current. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

5/21/17

No entry yesterday. A freedom I’ve never taken before. Instead I chose to do some volunteer work, writing for someone and something else. 

A

And how did it feel?

S

Fucking great. One thousand five hundred sixteen days, I’m allowed to take a day off here and there. And not just miss the day due to travel. But to realllllly take the day off. 

A

It sounds like you needed a break. 

(To read the entire entry, click here.)

***

5/29/17

Hamilton risked his life to prove a point—and lost. 

The bleakness took hold of me, it always has, this feeling somehow that I’ve traveled close by, too close to this dyad. 

And I wonder if this is from my being so exposed to the possibility of death by suffocation, my narrative, my horrible narrative, trying so hard, especially over these years to finally surface. 

(To read the entire entry, click here.) 

***

5/31/17

S

I’ve been feeling lately like my world has been somewhat reduced to filing this complaint. Like I can’t find bigger fish to fry than this one. But I realize and trust too that this is a fish that’s plenty big and one I need to obviously take care of.  I also know that while this is a necessary milestone, I don’t happily see myself afterwards. I don’t see the destination, only the next step. 

I see this step as part of my narrative, the story that I write and have been writing about my life and my healing. 

But I also feel this drumbeat of berating going on. 

MT
Is this all you have to do with yourself? With a world that needs so much fixing…so much help…is this all you’ve got?  

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

6/1/17

MLG

We reach each day

Despite our tears.

We move towards Towards.

It’s taking years.

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

6/2/17

A

How was therapy?

S

Okay. 

A

Anything learned? Anything to chew on?

S

I read the past few days worth of transcripts, and we talked about the complaint—how I’d made the decision to file it. It will become part of my narrative but I see it only as a step along the way, in no way a destination. 

MLG
Declaration is a-okay. 

Destination is further away. 

S

She also said that filing it is a move away from dissociation, a claiming that what happened was real. 

A

Yes. 

S

I said I was scared. And I am. But I’m not sure what of. 

(To read the entire entry click here.)

***

6/6/17

A

Silence is like clothing that no longer suits us or fits right. Clothing we can no longer tolerate wearing. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

6/7/17

B

Good morning, S. 

S

Hey, B. How’s life in Park Bench Park? What is your view like?

B

I don’t see much of Sandbox City anymore. I do not set my gaze in that direction. 

S

Interesting. Why not?

B

Simply because that view no longer really exists for me. It is something that I do not miss anymore. I do not view it with fondness or with sadness either. I have, S, moved on. 

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

6/8/17

Maybe the message beneath all of this pain—and the complaint—is that I was hurt because it wasn’t personal enough—I wasn’t given what I wanted or thought I wanted. 

A

Remember our mantra: It Wasn’t My Fault.

(To read the entire entry click here.) 

***

6/12/17

It took two tries, A. The first time I got everything ready and I couldn’t hit send. I thought sending it would re-connect me to Eileen. So I hit delete and walked away. For an hour.

(To read the entire entry click here.)