The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

7/8/17

7:14AM

Authenticity

I woke this morning knowing exactly what events would stain this period of time, what I will remember looking back. 

A

And?

S

They were the complaint, my aunt’s death, swamp maples back home and my dad unable to walk in the yard. 

I will remember a hot summer, a spring and summer both filled with exhaustion. 

I will remember the licorice poisoning, laying on a gurney, my life hanging in the balance. 

I will remember food poisoning, being sicker than I’d ever experienced in my life. 

I will remember my creatures too, how their mouths opened in May and how they began to get teeth in June. 

I will remember the pain of losing friends from the area and trying with all my heart to appreciate the people who remain but, in the end, being unable to wash away the pain. 

I will remember what made me happy inside which wasn’t much. 

A

And that is…was what? What makes us happy?

S

Being able to tell my story.

A

That is a lot. 

S

I will also unfortunately remember my session on Thursday. And everything it brings up for me; that I have still have PTSD around therapy. That I live now in a new world where I am not sure what to do about my current therapy, where I feel like I need to behave so that Teresa has warm feelings about me—so that she doesn’t throw me to the wolves around my complaint if the Board contacts her. 

I see that I don’t fully trust her or the entire system of therapy and therapists. 

I see that my healing only goes so far here. 

And I’m wholly disappointed. 

A

That session threw a wrench into our story telling. 

S

Yes. It was an enormous stop sign. 

A

Why?

S

It forces to me find something painful and negative in my narrative and untangle it. And I don’t know exactly what it is. It speaks to me—tells me I’m not really done or, if I am done, that done does not mean resolved, completely clear and nor at peace. 

MLG

Unresolved, unclear and not at peace are the beginning of resolved, clear and at peace. 

A

Monkey is right. We know what we want. We have our goals. 

T

What are your goals? Gimme your goals now. 

S

Teresa in this kind of defensive, up against a wall moment in my mind on Thursday was demanding I give her my goals. It felt to me like she was throwing knives at me, a way to some way get me off the attack while at the same time trying to hurt me. 

T

Truth. And false too. 

S

It’s not about Teresa, really. It’s about leaving and the work I need to do before I go. 

T

Gimme your goals. 

S

My goals are to leave in peace, with resolution and with clarity. 

T

(Jotting notes.)

S

I want a frank conversation about my record. About what you would say about me. I want to understand why I became so pissed off the other session and if that means I remain still unhealed—if it means I’m hard to understand—if it means what I think it means deep down which is you’re over booked and really don’t have much room for me, that you play catch up right before the session, that you really don’t know what my work entails,  how massive it’s been, what I’ve been doing lately. 

T

We can work on all of that. 

S

I think back a year ago and I see not one mountain but a mountain range it feels like I have climbed. One year ago I was submitting a manuscript to Bob the Reader and holding my breath, knowing all along that my story swerved in a direction I did not want for my own self or a reader. 

I have learned over time that all this writing has been about healing. The hard way. Through failure upon failure. 

A

In healing we fail. And in failing we heal. 

S

Teresa seemed to try and take credit on Thursday. 

T

Here you were, working on your writing, all along thinking it was a book you were after when I knew—ME ME ME—I knew all along that it was a healing process not a writing process. 

My approach was right.Your approach was wrong. I was seeing the forest for the trees. 

You, S, were not. 

S

What a strange thing to say, to take credit for. 

T

Meh. I was grasping. And I’m right to a degree too. 

S

It’s easy to say things. To throw a thousand things up onto a wall hoping something sticks for the client. 

T

I never denied this was the case. 

S

Tossing out theories is easy. But to take in, when it’s time, the most important pieces, is critical. This is the hard work. 

T

I work hard. I want credit. 

S

And that’s another issue I think needs to be resolved. How much credit do I give you? Right now you’re painted, when you are painted, mostly a saint. But you’re not perfect, you’re part of a group that I at times fully despise. You are passive aggressive at times, have made me feel shitty because you criticize me and want me, I feel, to be a perfect client for you who never gets mad at you. 

I mean mostly, truthfully, you’ve been mostly pretty great. But I need to render this piece about you and my therapy with you…properly. 

T

(Biting nails.)

S

Are you nervous?

T

Kinda.

S

Why?

T

You hold more power than you think. 

S

I could say the same for you. 

T

We’re taught about the power we’re given, about the keys you hand over to us. And I try never to abuse it.

S

I know. I appreciate it—and you. 

T

But you don’t feel appreciated by me, do you?

S

Not when I feel you have no idea of what I’ve been working on for months and months. I feel unheard and unremembered. 

T

I was so moved the session before last I nearly cried. You were describing clasping, finally these two ends of a necklace together—of holding it all. 

S

Yeah. But still, you don’t know how I’m doing the work, how I’m able to do that clasping. You’re clueless about my life outside of session, how hard I work, how I climb mountains. You don’t care. And you don’t appreciate it. I’ve been doing this Shinkansen work for months and months. And I’ve described it to you repeatedly—and again last Thursday I had to again describe it to you again at which point I just had enough and had to admit that I’m pissed. 

T

You’re confusing. 

S

Well, if I was confusing in that session then you should have cleared it up the ten other times I described what I was doing before. 

T

Good point. I was off my game. It was hot in my office. I had a long EMDR filled week. My life and all my other clients and my livelihood and my personal problems are just a lot more important than you. You’re not nothing but you’re close to it in terms of my list of priorities. You’re not in crisis and you seem to be doing just dandy so mostly I just make sure that you’ve sent me my payment. 

Sorry, S, but it’s truth 

That’s the truth of the therapy biz. 

If it helps, I do understand why you could hate the whole lot of us. 

S

Thanks, T. That’s very understanding. 

T

De nada.

A

Allow, allow, allow. We must find our narrative, our truthiest truths in order to heal. 

MLG

Unresolved, unclear and not at peace are the beginning of resolved, clear and at peace.

 

June 2017...my creatures get teeth. 

June 2017...my creatures get teeth.