The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

 

4/13/15

7:25 AM

Authenticity

 

This afternoon we stumble onto to the doorstep of Teresa, a trauma and dissociation specialist. 

 

MLG

Note: She is not Dr. PhD. She is simply … Teresa. And I like her. 

 

S

Monkey — you were supposed to wait for everyone to weigh in on her. 

 

MLG

I want her. Pick her.

 

A

S, tell what happened. 

 

S

We go over our story with Teresa — our history and our therapy history — the Flood, then Notice, then the new year, 2015, where the fighting never stops. She listens carefully, takes some notes, asks questions politely. She is this good combination of compassionate but really focused. At the end of the forty minutes, she says calmly. 

 

Teresa

You need another therapist. 

 

S

And I am relieved. 

 

T

I’m not sure it’s me. But you need someone else. 

 

S

For sure?

 

T

Yes. 

 

S

Why?

 

T

You are not having a professional relationship with this therapist. It is a personal relationship. She is getting too much out of it personally for it to be professional. And when it becomes personal and enmeshed, you are no longer center stage. Things get very confusing and noisy — you do not know where she ends and you begin. 

 

S

Whoa. 

 

T

You’ve had a very rough road. But despite it, you’ve done a lot of work. You’re not starting at ground zero. 

 

S

Can you help me?

 

T

I think I can. But I need to get a consultation on it. 

 

S

Why?

 

T

I want to make sure I can help you. 

 

S

Okay. 

 

T

There will be a significant amount of repair work that will need to be done. 

 

S

Do I have a dissociative disorder?

 

T

Yes. But I can’t tell where you are on the spectrum just yet. 

 

S

How long will my treatment last?

 

T

I would need to know more to answer that. 

 

S

Do you have experience?

 

T

I have six years treating dissociative disorders and many, many more treating general trauma. 

 

S

Can I see E and you together for a while?

 

T

No. You would need to terminate with her and start with me.

 

S

Okay. 

 

T

I’m not sure Monkey will like this, but I do not do email. No email. 

 

MLG

I’m fine with that. Whatever you say. I’m a rule follower now. I don’t even care if you’re married or gay or if you love me. But I do know that within a matter of weeks, you’ll be fully smitten. Not that it matters. But you will be. 

 

T

Have you ever detected any splitting from any period of time?

 

S

A few things. Yes. A class clown in one school. Can barely speak from shyness in a different place. I pray to the Not Gods no one from one place sees me in the other. I am embarrassed by the split. Also two IQ tests taken a year or so apart; one low and one very high. 

 

T

Okay. 

 

S

If you can work with me would you want to?

 

T

Yes. We would likely meet twice a week for a while. 

 

S

Okay. 

 

T

How do you feel?

 

S

Good. Really good. 

 

T

Grin. 

 

MLG

Grin. Purr?

 

T

Just grin. 

 

S

I need to decide what to tell E. 

 

T

How do you feel?

 

S

I feel good now. Not sure how I’ll feel later. 

 

T

If you feel wobbly, do not meet with her. If you feel strong and can get your points across, then go in. Does that make sense to you?

 

S

Yeah. Grin. I feel really good. Really, really good. 

 

***

 

After my appointment, I walk home. It is sunny, spring knocking on summer’s door. I catch a glimpse inside of perhaps not yet a new home but a location where the ground is firm and safe. 

 

A

Next stop … Mt. Integration. We breathe, we smile, we laugh and Not Gods help us, as we climb.

 

B

Monkey? 

 

MLG

Squeak?

 

B

Lend me a hand. Time to stretch my legs and go for a walk. Maybe even buy a hiking stick. 

 

Shard

Does Teresa have crayons? 

 

MLG

Who cares? 

 

Shard

I DO. 

 

A

S, the courage, oh, the courage of this journey that takes us to a new place, one where we can finally rest and finally start a new phase of healing. 

 

S

I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. Not Gods Almighty, I am safe at last.