Went all PTSD on myself yesterday. Need not get into details other than to say that I just flipped out inside over a pretty simple email from Teresa. The only positive is that it did not take long to see it was PTSD—but knowing that did not pull me out of the vortex.
I think reaching out to Pete—his reassurances—and also just crying. And then I had put a call into Teresa and she eventually called back and by that time I’d chilled out and owned the PTSD and we talked briefly.
The PTSD was about…?
Crappy therapy. Feeling like my therapist is against me and not for me. I think reaching that calendar page—the second anniversary of both leaving Eileen and arriving at Teresa’s.
Definitely. And I suppose it’s good to get a reminder that I’m not done. That I need to both understand triggers like anniversaries and also how to manage when I spin out. It’s not often that this happens and it’s better than it was but there is room for improvement both in terms of not having it happen and managing it better when it does happen.
As I was burning up inside I kept reminding myself that this was PSTD, kept telling myself not to burn bridges and say mean things. But it was remarkably hard. The emotions just bowl me over.
Once I got some release and expression it was like a storm that passed and I was fine.
What else is going on?
I see that my process page was kind of a rambling fucking mess. I clean it up—easily—but man, what’s my deal with allowing that much rambling in a space that should be mostly narrative and clean.
Anyway, the positive as Monkey would probably bring up is that it was easily cleared up.
Clear head, clear page.
And how is our clay?
I shifted last week an remain captivated by fish. It could be a few months. Color and clay body exploration…I feel captivated. Also…how sea creatures can be expressive in movement. There is…no pun intended…more fluidity.