The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/24/17

6:54AM

Authenticity

Churn last night…but not bad churn. And not churn that kept me awake for hours. 

A

Tell. 

S

Well…I went to therapy yesterday. Nothing groundbreaking, nothing all that bad either. Kind of ho hum. I did discuss though what pulling away would look and feel like. Packing my bags, leaving therapy, perhaps leaving the Sandbox too. 

What, I thought, would be left? 

At first it felt like I was forcing myself to leave to survive—like I did as a child by dissociating—like I did with Eileen through termination. 

But then, as the session wore down, I heard Teresa make this familiar kind of sound; it was this tiny, empathy infused sigh--a small, whisp of a sound. 

And I realized without anger at all that this was the sound she makes to end a session. 

This was the sound that means someone else was outside the door. 

Or that another commitment is next in her life. 

Which is completely okay. 

And it’s a completely nice sound too; a compassionate, subtle, I-need-to-go type of sound. 

I walked out and home with the sound. 

Took it with me. 

And I thought. 

And I thought. 

And I thought. 

Then went to bed. 

And in the middle of the night those thoughts I had turned into some churn telling me that it’s time. 

Time to end the therapy.

Each time I’ve made attempts I think I’ve done so with anger.  Or more anger than “done-ness.” 

Each time too Teresa has said I need to work on…this…or that. 

But I think now it’s my turn to just say…done. 

To take the time and the money to see if I can do step four in this process. 

A

Step Four?

S

Step Four in my process. First came Flow, then Understanding. I’ve been working on Daylighting and now…the fourth thing that I add to the mix?

A

I’m listening!

S

Is Happiness. 

A

Joy!

S

Yes. And trust me, I’m the first in line to say that this isn’t exactly possible all the time or even most of the time but I just want more of it. If it’s 3% happiness I want to get to 4%. 

I think I could take the time and money I am spending in therapy and use it towards—

MLG
HAPPINESS. 

S

Right Monkey. Towards in this case is—

MLG

HAPPINESS!

S

I do not think therapy is incompatible with happiness but I think this kind of therapy might be not exactly the right direction. This therapy has helped in the Understanding piece—a great deal. 

But…I wonder if I need to switch gears to get to stage four. 

T

Sniff. Hmm. You have a good point. And you do feel readier. 

S

You’ve been great, Teresa. And I may be back on the mini-couch for tune-ups or hell, another round, but I think this kind of drill that we’ve been doing isn’t giving me the kind of traction it used to. 

It’s not useless—but I just have a feeling that it relates more to where I was than where I am. 

T

I understand. 

A

How does Happiness look and feel?

S

I’m not sure. But I choose to view this shift as movement towards it. Graduating into something more joyful. Versus this perspective I believe I’ve held without consciousness which is that moving forward needs to be filled with pain and grief and loneliness. 

For me it can be the opposite; I can think of what makes me feel worthwhile, what makes life feel meaningful, what makes me feel soul deep good. 

I can see a conversation like this emerging with a coach—a different type of conversation working on that level. 

T

I can see that. 

S

And I think it needs to be entirely new—a new set of paints, new canvas, new palette. I mean I won’t leave me behind but I think the voice and voices I speak with, the people I choose to talk to, that there will be a consciousness in it all towards meaningfulness and happiness. 

A

YES. 

S

I can grow in this Sandbox—and I will. There is no need to walk away from a mediation that has allowed me—me. A meditation that has become me. 

But I can shift. And I can choose. 

And I choose this direction. Because it makes sense. Because it’s me. Because it’s calling to me. 

Because it’s…

ALL

Authentic. 

S

There is a guy I met a year ago or so doing a practice run for a half marathon. He’s a business coach and seemed sharp and nice. A good listener. I’ve been meaning to see if he could work with someone like me. 

A

What would we ask? How would we present ourself? 

S

I think I would start by talking about the business I have—for how long—and I would need to bake into it the emotions around it. I would need to talk about my art too. And I would need to talk about my Sandbox. It would need to be a conversation about everything…and about happiness too. 

A

How does it feel to imagine this?

S

It feels right. It feels good. 

A

We move towards Happiness. 

S

Yes. 

A

And how does this make us feel about our daylighting? 

S

It brings its importance down. It makes me see that my happiness is more important—the most important thing. I think that daylighting is part of my happiness but that it’s not the only thing. 

A

It brings us perspective, makes us feel more whole when we view self more holistically. 

S

I think so, A.