The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/26/17

5:58AM

Authenticity

I went to bed with an awful headache and woke with it too.  I don’t know what I’m doing with this website, with my life. 

A

Allow, allow, allow. What are you feeling?

S

Purposelessness. 

A

What is going on with Campaign Hope?

S

No one, A, no one has hit the “contact” button. No one is reaching out. 

B

Great artists continue regardless. We continue regardless 

S

I’m trying to focus on being happy—but that doesn’t seem to be working. 

A

Being open and alive to what is in our way, what isn’t making us happy, helps. Being honest about what we want—perhaps not yet getting—helps.

S

This was from M about trying to figure out how to pull together a book. It was in response to asking if I could do it without so much pain—and I sent her link to Grieving The Book: 

I think you've just got to trust your gut on this and do it the way that feels right to you. Whatever that looks like. You TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. And I mean that.

S

I need to just keep going. I am running through ideas—getting excited and dropping them too. 

A

Allow, allow, allow. Healing requires an open mind and heart; we draft and we toss out. We draft again, differently, having learned from our previous day’s work. And we continue this pattern. 

S

I do feel that this phase is a happiness phase despite the extreme grumpiness of this transcript. I’m trying to figure out what satisfies. 

A

What feels good—if only in a very very small way—today?

S

I’m excited to unload the kiln. And excited about the latest creatures that are drying. One in particular makes me want to kiss her she’s so cute. I was excited about the idea of making a calendar of creature photos and Sandbox quotes. 

A

Go with those things or at least keep them in mind. 

S

Monkey made this comment maybe a week or so ago—it was about how hard it is to change the weather once its set in. Monkey, can you remember what you said?

MLG

I’ll try. You know this volume now is almost four hundred pages long. 

S
Yeah, I see that. 

LATER

MLG

It took ten minutes but here it is—from 1/19/17…

A

Is there a way to go to clay thoughts instead of things that bring us down? 

S

I try but it is kind of like furniture. When I’m feeling down…I reflexively go to that crap around Eileen. Intellectually, truly, I feel that I should be 100% done. That I’m hanging on out of habit more than anything else.

 

MLG
She’s our bad mood couch

Inside our heart

When we feel shitty

We can’t think of our art

We think of her only

How she got away

Stabs so deep

We hurt through today

A

Yes…this is where we consciously try and move towards things that make us feel happier inside but instead we were finding Eileen and that pain around her to be like furniture that matched our lousy mood inside. 

S

I’m not doing that this morning. I’m truly reaching away from sadness—trying to find the right path forward. 

A

What is seen and felt as we look for this snippet?

S

SBV18 is getting long. And that’s fine. Interestingly it has one of the highest average page counts per day—over six. I see it began before I even started putting the Sandbox up onto the website. Previously the website was just a place holder for the book I’ve yet to write. 

MLG

We’ve not written one book

Yet we’ve written thirty two

We must be ourselves.

Not one other thing will do. 

S

Anyway…I see how far I’ve come—how much work I’ve done in only sixty five days. 

MLG

We’ve moved into our gallery. 

The place looks not bad. 

Some days we’re scared. 

Some days we’re glad. 

A

Hoisting self up towards daylight and now towards happiness too is important work, strenuous work, necessary work. 

S

I got slammed last night though. Again with what to do with all of me. How to package it. And I keep coming back to this meditation, this one thing I can do each day which is to listen and record my heart ticking. 

A

This is all we can do. This is all anyone can do. And this, S, is plenty. 

This little one in front. 

This little one in front.