The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

2/14/17

6:57AM

Authenticity

I can see that my mind and heart are working the problem: how to put the Eileen experience away—the right way. 

I woke clear about my goal: to no longer feel tentative, sensitized, vulnerable, to Eileen and her life. 

How I get there—complaint or none—lawsuit or none—is a question. 

But I’m clear that I want peace and nothing to do with her. 

 

A

Hard, hard, work. Clear, clear lake. 

S

Stunningly hard. 

A

Do you feel you will find yourself curled up in a little ball, in the spare bedroom, reeling and unable to sleep feeling like Eileen got away with it all?

S

Less so. I am able to hold my experience with more chronology and clarity. And by being able to do this I am feeling that it is having less power of me. 

Also, by seeing the PTSD—recognizing it also with clarity—I perhaps begin to suffer less from it. 

A

Hard work. Clear lake. 

S

I can imagine the complaint possibly distilled down to ten pages vs. fifty. I can imagine too the experience downloaded into a book but again, condensed. 

A

Go on. 

S

The landscape changes inside; I have more time away from Eileen, the percentage of time away versus time with grows. 

MLG

59% E, 41% No E. 4700 pages E, 3325 pages No E. 

A

We see that life, though it has been about struggling and suffering to untangle and understand, has moved on. We are clearer, calmer, healthier. We hold our experience from February of 2013 through April of 2015 in our hands. We hold the chronology, assess with clarity the damage, assess with clarity where we want to be, emotionally, with this damage. 

We are clear on our goals. 

S

Eileen and whatever her daughter chooses to do with her life…should not, will not matter. No power will be held over me. I am climbing a mountain and the higher I get, the less possible it will be for this dynamic, one that has haunted me for around four years, to continue to do so. 

It is a small village below that I can barely see, my body more focused and preoccupied with my own journey, my own mountain, my own heights. 

The village below becomes smaller in view, in mind, in heart. 

A

Yes. 

S

I imagine myself and the hiking I must do to get to this place of still hiking but of no longer breathing in that past experience so much. 

A

Yes. 

S

What will help me with this steep climb? What works best?

T

I’m helpful. I’m with you. I am a third walking stick, a guide sometimes, a crowd cheering, a medical tent and a place to rest too. 

S

Thanks T. Thank you for bending and swerving along my path, for being human and real and always focused on the job of getting me better. Thank you for doing this without inspiring a painful dependency or transference. Thank you for showing me that a therapist can be very helpful in so many ways without hurting me. 

T

My job. My pleasure. 

A

How did it feel to not go to therapy Monday?

S

It felt natural and normal. I noted my appreciation for Teresa in not spiking dependency. I have issues—duh—I came in with them big time. One is dependency. Eileen threw gasoline onto this dependency. Teresa has been very, very careful. Tiny enactments show me without shaming me. I learn and I heal some. 

A

What else?

S

Someday, A, someday that Bad Therapy link might no longer be such a large section. Someday it might go beneath something called Therapy. Where I conceptualize therapy in total to date and where I begin to view both the good, the bad and the neither. 

A

Our mountain climb this morning gives us beautiful and new perspectives. 

S

It does. I can see and feel the climb, the strength that I’ve been gaining, my lungs and legs used to the work as I’ve been steady at my process. 

MLG

1516 days, 8026 pages. We are higher than Everest!

S

We are Monkey!

MLG

We’ve been climbing four years

We look back at our view

We breathe in our strength

Exhale our pain too.

A

Are we clearer about the complaint?

S

Not exactly in terms of what to do—but I am clear about where I want to be. 

A

We do not know if the complaint helps us move in the direction we desire. 

S

Right. My hunch in this moment is that it doesn’t. We want to put distance between us and this person, put her to bed, put her into perspective. 

A

Good. 

S

I want to take what is mine, make what is mine from it—but also I am feeling this healthy shift, this mountainous view that helps. 

A

We have been screaming inside to understand and heal and we are getting places.