The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

1/13/17

6:43AM

Authenticity

A

S, how was therapy? 

S

Tug of war I think. But I will go Teresa’s way. Sort of. She feels that anger is coming up…huge tidal waves of it. I’m angry with her, angry with Eileen, angry with the dynamic of therapy and angry, though she did not say this, at everything that happened to me—all the abuse that makes the soup that is me. 

A

And?

S

I’m sure she’s right. And I’m guessing I will get healthier if I work with it—confront it—get to it—face it—

A

Fear not the fire that melts all this ice…

S

But I do fear this fire. Its hottest flames have touched me, briefly, and it does not feel survivable. But I think if I go slowly—with my kayaker—it will help me? 

A

We are here. We are here. We are here. 

S

Thanks, A. 

A

What else?

S

I’m not ready to leave therapy. I need to leave when leaving is right. I cannot and will not do this leaving in a huff. That’s a promise I want to keep to myself. 

MLG

We only leave

When the leaving is right. 

We do not sneak off

In the middle of the night. 

S

I can see in my transcripts over the past weeks that there is anger. And I can feel it everywhere now. Along with the fear of it. I spoke to Teresa about how hair triggered I am—how one little wrong move on her end triggers me to places that make me question her deeply—make me think she’s trying to keep me in therapy for selfish reasons. I told her she doesn’t want me to leave because she wants my money, wants me to fill her needs, wants me to make her feel successful. I said a lot of things about how I was feeling over the past few days—said I expected her to help me and she just kept confusing me with ideas and theories that, when I tried to chase them down, lead me nowhere. I said I trusted her to not take my therapy causally—to toss out half baked ideas about things. I trusted her to not get things wrong. 

She said that I keep her away—on the periphery of things—so how was she supposed to get everything right. 

And I said…well hell…you’ve been doing a good job so far.

T

I was trying too hard to help you. And my theories were…wrong…off. And I’m sorry. But please know that I was just trying too hard was all. And I’m sorry. 

S

And I’m sorry for calling you a weirdo. And sending the text that I did. It was not right. 

T

Okay. 

S

But T, how do you work on anger consciously? How do you schedule an appointment for it twice weekly? It’s not exactly how anger works? Anger is organic like weather; it refuses to make let alone keep an appointment. 

Anger

I can be found. 

Molded like clay

I can be worked with

Every day. 

 

MLG

Hi Anger, I’m Monkey. 

 

Anger

I know who you are. 

MLG

Well who exactly are you then, Anger? And why are you such a dick?

 

Anger

Duh? 

 

A

Welcome, Anger. We will try and remain open to you. Do have any words of advice?

 

Anger

A little of me

Just a sprinkle each day

A little of me

Goes a very long way

 

A

Do you prefer speaking in rhyme?

 

Anger

I do not know yet. 

 

A

Okay. 

 

S

Is there anything you want to sprinkle in the Sandbox? 

 

MLG

Is Anger like a salt shaker? 

 

S

Hush, Monkey. 

 

Anger

Begin with Teresa

She’s the safest by far

What pisses you off about her

Is the best place to start

 

S

Ugh. Not relishing this. And I wonder if I should trust this anger thing. A?

A

We’ll know soon enough if we’re on the right or wrong track. 

S

B? 

B

Good morning, S. Up, up, up onto my park bench. 

S

Tell me of your view these days, B?

B

My eyes gaze out upon this same view of Sandbox City from long ago, but inside I begin to hold also a view of Sandbox City that lives online, expanding with roads connecting narrative and stories. With roads for others to visit Sandbox City, to experience its weather and contours. 

My view, S, is expanding as are…we. 

S

Thanks B. I miss you. You do not come into the type often. 

B

I’m here whenever you want and need me to be. I am…you. 

S

What do you think of Anger? What do you think of us, what’s been happening these past few months? 

B

We are healing, coming out of the darkness, becoming who who’ve always been.  And then some. We are better than better, S. 

S

You think so?

B

I know so. 

S

And Anger?

B

Anger is something we need to consider, to shake lightly into the Sandbox and see, as A suggests, how it tastes. 

Delicately, consciously, examine its flavor. 

S

Love to you, B. I feel you inside of me all the time. 

B

I am here. I am here. I am here.