I’ve written over ten thousand pages in the past six years. In doing so I have used my imagination, my heart, my memories and my sheer will to find and to sort a lot things out, including damaging and regressive psychotherapy. As my pages piled up and as I allowed for them to do so I found characters along the way that have helped me to articulate how I think and feel and remember things—some young, some old, one not even human. For a long while this finding and sorting through because I did it in the form of characters was considered a pathology, something to be “treated,” versus what I’ve come to see it now as which is healthy and normal. Also, being in and believing in the world of psychotherapy, subconsciously nearly as if it were a religion, put this type of narrative seeking into pathological terms for many years.
At this stage I now honor this work and allowance. I celebrate and use these creations to help me gain insight and perspective in a meditation custom made by and for me. No longer am I viewing this through the distorted lens/nest of psychotherapy.
At some point while I still was questioning if I was deeply disordered I made buttons out of some of these creations. I would wear them too at times and see if anyone would ask (no one did.) I also gave one or two of these buttons tto my therapist at the time and she treasured them. Perhaps a little bit too much. Eventually I wound up putting the buttons away. I don’t wear them. I don’t think about them. As Susan Sontag said, “Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick.” It is important for us, I believe, to see ourselves as we dance in between these two worlds and to recognize truly when we are sick and when we are well. Using our creativity to explore, to find, to become is not and should not ever be considered sick or a sign of disorder.