The Sandbox

Amnesia, Art, Healing

On writing a book…

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In early 2013 I began to, what at the time felt like, fall apart. Looking back, I would say that an unconscious journey had begun inside me to heal. The journey was triggered by an obsession, a sudden switch and change in my state of mind that took me to places inside not, for a very long time, well understood.

It also sparked the beginning of an enormous amount of writing. 

In the first two years I wrote over five thousand pages. And over the next four after that, another five thousand. I have felt both giddy with a relatively new found amount of creative juice. As well as buried and overwhelmed by it.

Over time and and struggle on a daily basis—for years—I reached a point of discovery around narrative.

I began to see how deeply trauma uproots us from who we are. It can freeze us into recalling nothing, or jumble things up so badly we can not grasp onto our truths. The idea here being, one way or another, trauma separates us from the truth of our own stories which is a vital part of who we are.

I’ve suffered from both ends of it. First a near black out of childhood, a “freeze.” And then, as things began to “thaw” complete chaos and overwhelm.

At some point I took a deep breath and a sword to all of it—the freeze and the chaos. Every day battling towards a deep understanding of my story. Slowly, as I got clearer I could finally see the pain in the freeze and in the blur. I also began to feel the power in finding my narrative. And in doing so, I finally started to truly grasp the pain and powerlessness we experience when our personal narrative is, one way or another stolen from us.

Eventually, over the course of many years, through tears and mountains of hopelessness I began to experience tiny glimmers that I could do it. That I could write a book. And that this book could and would be many things, not just one. I started to see that a book is both process and product—both student and teacher. Something I hoped could bring healing and insight to author and reader.

Finding my narrative and telling it just the way that I need to, I’ve been moving from despair to a sense of confidence. From confusion to clarity. From not knowing who I was to knowing more deeply than I could have ever imagined, my own self.

Stay tuned for updates below on this book. And thank you for being here!